RWBY: A Tale of Two Scythes
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: With a twisted killer on the loose, Ruby feels it's time to get a new scythe. But will it do her any good when she's the one suspected of committing the crimes?
1. CH 1: THE SHARPNESS OF THE SHAFT

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 1: THE SHARPNESS OF THE SHAFT**

* * *

George R. R. Martin was hard at work writing the new Song of Ice and Fire Book, _The Winds of Winter_. Outside, there was the sound of a car parking, a door opening. For a moment, there was the sound of the song "When it Falls" by Jeff and Casey Lee Williams, then the door closed.

"Yes", said George R. R. Martin, "I'm almost there. Just one page to go, and then the book is done!"

It was at that moment that his door was kicked open.

"Wait, what the fuck?" said George R. R. Martin.

"It's over, George R. R. Martin!" yelled Ruby Rose, drawing her big-ass scythe.

"Who the fuck are you?" Asked George R. R. Martin.

"We're team RWBY", said Yang, getting ready her gun, "And we're here to fucking kill you!"

"NO!" said George R. R. Martin, "You can't kill me now! I'm just one page away from finishing the sixth book of my seven book masterpiece!"

"You should have thought about that before you killed Robb Stark!" said Weiss.

"He had to die!" Said George R. R. Martin. "His death was necessary for the story!"

"Well your death will be necessary for the world!" said Blake.

"C'mon, team!" said Ruby. "Let's get him!" And so they got him, using all of their weapons to cut and blast him into a million pieces.

"We did it!" said Ruby. "We finally defeated the GRRM!"

"Well done, girls", said Ozpin, clapping and leaning against the doorframe. "However, I'm afraid another, even greater threat, has emerged."

"You can't be serious!" said Yang.

"Already?" said Weiss.

"Unfortunately", said Ozpin. "Here, look at these photos."

"Ew, gross", said Ruby after having looked at it for only a second.

"What, what is it?" asked Yang. She snatched the photo and looked at it. "Oh, what the fuck Ozpin?"

"You recognize what is missing from these photos, I presume", said Ozpin.

"Yeah, their nipples are missing!" said Ruby.

"Wait, what?" said Blake. She grabbed one of the photos, then licked her lips and discretely rubbed her minge a little.

"Cut clean off", said Ozpin. "With a blade."

"A BLADE?" Everyone said in surprise.

"Yes, exactly", said Ozpin.

"How many people have had their nipples cut off?" Ruby asked.

"Too many to count", said Ozpin. "Which is why I need you girls to help."

"You can count on us!" said Ruby.

"Now, let's go home", said Ozpin. And so they went home, to Bacon Adademy.

* * *

"What kind of person would do something like this?" Weiss wondered aloud as she and Ruby were lying in their beds.

"I don't know, Weiss", said Ruby. "I don't know."

"Well, good night", said Weiss.

"Good night", said Ruby. Ruby tried to fall asleep, but she couldn't stop thinking about the Niplord. And then, in the middle of the night, she heard Weiss start to moan in… pain?

"Weiss? Weiss?" Ruby asked.

"Ah, what is it, Ruby?"

"Is… everything alright?"

"Y… Yeah, everything's alright", said Weiss.

"I don't believe you", said Ruby. "I'm coming over."

"N… No, don't!" said Weiss.

"I'm doing it! I'm coming over!" said Ruby, coming over. She approached Weiss's bed, through off the sheets, and was confused by what she saw. "Weiss?"

"Yeah?"

"What is that… in your…"

"In my cooter? It's a dildo."

"A dil… dack?"

"A dildo! I put it in my cooter to pleasure myself."

"Oh…" Ruby thought. "So… that feels good?"

"I wouldn't be putting it in me if it didn't!"

"Can… Can I try it out?"

"EW! No, get your own, pervert!" said Weiss.

"Fine!" said Ruby. She sat back down on her bed and drew her scythe, Crescent Rose. "I'll use this!"

"Pfft, fine, whatever", said Weiss, who had continued to masturbate with her sheet thrown off. Ruby pulled off her panties, then pointed her scythe towards her cooter, staff first.

"Alright", said Ruby. "Here we…"

WEISS: FUCK!

RUBY: …go.

Pain shot through Ruby's pelvic region as the pointed end of her Scythe's shaft. _This probably isn't supposed to go there_, Ruby thought to herself, but when she looked at the fun time Weiss seemed to be having, she decided to push it further.

"Oh! Oh!" Said Ruby. "Okay, I guess. Hmm…" It was starting to feel good, but as she was putting something sharp into her hoo-ha, it was also pretty painful. Nonetheless, she jilled off to completion, and when she removed her scythe, Ruby squirted a Bloody Stream (Like a bloody stone) all over Weiss's exposed body.

"Ew, what the FUCK, Ruby?!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" said Ruby. "I think… I might need to get a new scythe if I want to keep doing this. One… with a smoother shaft…" She looked sadly at Crescent Rose, which she almost felt was looking back at her.

"Good night, Weiss", said Ruby.

"Fuck off", said Weiss, heading to the shower to wash off Ruby's bloody squirt-juice.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

Team RWBY was awoken by the sound of an alarm. They gathered, along with the rest of the student boby of Bacon Adademy, on the Common, where Professors Port and Oobleck stood on a stage to address them.

"Students of Bacon Adademy", said Professor Port. "We are sorry to inform you that last night, your Hedmaster Ozpin was murdered.

"What?" said everyone.

"This… can't be happening", said Blake.

"Yeah, we were just with him yesterday!" said Weiss.

"THAT CAN'T BE TRUE!" yelled one random loudo from the audience.

"Oh, but it is!" said Professor Oobleck. "Unfortunately. He was found this morning, ded in his bed. Both nipples cut off…" He savored the suspense his unfinished statement left in the air. "By a blade."

Everybody gasped. "The Niplord…" Blake said to the rest of Team RWBY.

"The Niplord?" said Ruby. "Really, that's what we're calling this guy?"

"What else are we going to call him?" asked Yang.

"I don't know…" said Ruby. "Nipolean Boneparte?"

"Fuck the fuck off!" said Weiss, shoving her friend Ruby in a malevolent manner. "We are not fucking calling this fuck fucking Nipolean Boneparte!"

"Ye, what she said", said Blake.

"Sorry, Ruby", said Yang, putting a "sisterly" hand on her shoulder.

"Alright, guys", said Professor Port. "That's legit the only thing we had to tell you. Go back to your classes as usual."

"But out headmaster just fucking died!" complained Flint Flossy.

"No, cunt, he died last night", said Professor Port. "Which is why u need to keep studying to be able to fight this new threat that is emerging. And, not to mention, anyone who does not show up to my class in fifteen minutes who is supposed to will be executed."

"Same for my class", said Professor Oobleck. "I'll hang you by the balls and ejaculate on your corpses."

"We'd better get going", said Blake. "I don't want anyone to ejaculate on my corpse."

"Honestly, if it's Professor Oobleck, I wouldn't mind", said Ruby, "But yeah, we should go." so they went to their next class.

"In a hurry?" Cinder asked as Team RWBY went by.

"Yeah, we don't want to be late for class!" said Ruby.

"Oh, of course." Cinder eyed Ruby a little suspiciously, then smiled. "Take care that Professor Oobleck doesn't ejaculate all over your pretty little corpse!"

"Thanks, you too!" said Ruby, and they continued on to class.

"What the fuck was that about?" asked Yang.

"I don't know", said Ruby.

"She seemed awfully suspicious of something", said Weiss.

"Ha!" they heard Neptune's voice say from down the hall. "I'll bet you wish Ruby would cut your nipples off, Jaune!"

"I never said that!" said Jaune.

"But is it true?" asked Sun.

"Well, yes, I do wish Ruby would cut my nipples off", said Jaune.

"OOOOHHHHHHHH SSSSHHHHIIIITTTTTT BBBBOOOOOOOIIIIIIII!" Both Neptune and Sun said in unison.

"But it's not a sexual thing!" said Jaune. "I just… I just think I'd look better without nipples, y'know. And Ruby's scythe… it's so sharp, you know?"

"Ha, honestly, I'm just surprised you don't want Pyrrha to cut your nipples off, dude!" said Neptune.

"Is that true, Jean?" asked Ruby.

"RUBY! Uh, hey!" said Jaune.

"I'll drop by tonight", said Ruby, and she kept walking.

Team RWBY made it to class right on time.

"Excellent!" said Professor Port. "Everyone here shall not be executed. Anyways, on to today's lesson: How to get rich quick!

You see, if you want to get rich quick, the first thing you need to do is…"

Pyrrha nudged Ruby with her elbow. "Any leads on the Nipple Thief?"

"He's called the Niplord… or Nipolean Boneparte, if you will. And no, we don't have any yet", said Ruby.

"And the next thing you want to do…" said Professor Port, "Is build a time machine to send you back millions of years into the past, where you'll gain immortality through the Fountain of Youth, and all through the age of the dinosaurs you'll search for a shit-ton of gold and…"

"Don't worry", said Pyrrha, "We'll get him."

"I know we will", said Ruby, "But at what cost? This guy, whoever he is, has already severed so many nipples. Last night, we were with Professor Ozpin, and he showed us a bunch of pictures of this guy's victims. And then Ozpin HIMSELF became a victim."

"Hey, don't worry about it", said Pyrrha. "As long as we work together, everything will be fine."

"You know… yeah, you're right, Pyrrha", said Ruby. Pyrrha smiled and turned her attention back to Professor Port.

"And then…" said Professor Port, "You will be back to present day and have a shit ton of money, and to everyone else it would have been like a few minutes, but not you, Mr. Man! You have seen the whole of history and come back to tell the tale! But tell no one… No one at all how you did it. And that, class, is how you get rich quick! Now, for the final part of class…" Professor Port pushed a button and a whole bunch of nooses dropped from the ceiling, "In case you thought I was kidding… bring in the ones who missed class!" All the students who missed class were then brought in at gunpoint and led to their nooses.

"No, not Sayori!" someone yelled after seeing that Sayori was one of the students up there.

"This is just wrong", said Pyrrha. "Someone's got to do something." Ruby just clenched her fist.

"Get in your nooses, now, kids!" said Professor Port. All the students did, and Professor Port had his hand over the button that would drop the floor beneath them.

_Professor Oobleck has probably already ejaculated on all the corpses of his missing students_, Ruby thought.

"You see now", said Professor Port. "The joke here is this: many of you thought you were late, but now… you're late!" And he pushed the button, and the moment he did, just as the floor collapsed beneath the sentenced students, Ruby drew Crescent Rose and threw it to the front of the class, and it arched so that it severed each of the nooses, causing each of the students to fall harmlessly to the ground a few feet beneath them.

Professor Port stared Ruby dead in the eyes, his eyes opened more than they usually were. "No good deed… shall go unpunished", said Professor Port, and he stormed out of the classroom. Ruby just looked at her trusty scythe sadly. _It's time to part, old friend_.

After classes were done, Ruby went onto her computer and went onto the flaming sea of trash that was EBay, looking for a new scythe.

"Ooh, this one looks good!" she said after seeing a scythe with a pink blade and green staff. "The staff is significantly less shart than Crescent Rose's… Oh, but I have to get it in person, from a guy called… Mar… Marloo… Marluxia. It does seem like I'll hae to go a little ways…" She thought for a moment. "Worth it!" She made her purchase and made her plans to get it the next day.

* * *

THAT NIGHT

Jaune Arc sat alone in his bedroom, his shirt already off, waiting for Ruby to knock on his door. And then, there was a knock on his door.

"There's a knock on my door!" said Jaune. He went to open his door and…

His screams could be heard throughout the entire building.

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. CH 2: ROSES AND DAHLIAS

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 2: ROSES AND DAHLIAS**

* * *

Ruby woke up with her arms in the sky, stretched out to release the tension of a good night's sleep into the bright early morning.

"Wow, that was a really good sleep!" Ruby said. She looked at the clock. "I should probably head out now to meet up with that Marluxia guy and… Oh, no, Jaune! I forgot to visit him last night! Oh well, I'm sure he can wait a couple more days or so." She looked around. The rest of Team RWBY was still asleep, but they knew of her plans for the day, so she was fine just leaving.

"Later, girls", she whispered before stepping out of the room and closing the door, quietly.

"You're up early", came a voice from the hallway.

"Ah!" said a startled Ruby. "Oh, it's just you, Cinder." Cinder stood in the hallway, her arms crossed and her face in an amused smirk.

"Sleep well last night?" Asked Cinder Fall.

"Oh yeah, it was great!" said Ruby, starting to walk down the hall. Cinder followed.

"So, where you off to this time of the morning?" Cinder asked.

"Picking up a new scythe!"

"A new scythe?" said Cinder. "What's wrong with Crescent Rose?"

"Oh, well, it's a great scythe and all, but…" Ruby hesitated, "The shaft is a bit sharp, if you know what I mean."

"Ah! Alright. That's a bit TMI, but I getcha", said Cinder, throwing up in her mouth after saying that sentence.

"Yeeeeeah", said Ruby. "Anyways, I'll catch ya later, Cinder!"

"Yep, see you around!" said Cinder, waving Ruby goodbye.

Emerald stepped out from behind a corner. "So what's Goodbye Ruby Tuesday up to?"

"Getting a new scythe, apparently one that's… easier to masturbate with than the one she already has."

"Ew, what the fuck?" said Emerald.

"I know", said Cinder. "Disgusting."

"Aside from… that, how did she seem?" Emerald asked.

"Completely unrepentant", said Cinder.

"Damn", said Emerald. "And I thought we were the most merciless killers at Bacon Adademy."

"Indeed", said Cinder. "Perhaps Ruby's more interesting than we initially thought…"

* * *

"Jaune!" said Pyrrha, knocking on his door. "Jaune, it's the morning! Wake up, we have to get going!" Waking up Jaune was Pyrrha's favorite part of the morning; oftentimes, after she knocked on his door, she'd hear him yell in surprise and roll off of his bed, followed by a drowsy "Ow." This morning, however, there was no yell. There were no antics in him getting out of bed. There was just… silence.

"Jaune, is everything alright?" There was no answer. She tried the door handle; it was locked. He was definitely in there. "Jaune, if you don't answer me, I'm going to have to knock down this door!" Still no answer. "In three… two… one…" No answer. Sweat broke across her brow, and she said, "Alright, here I go!" and rammed into the door, shoulder first, bursting it open in a shower of splinters. "Jaune, are you… Oh God!"

Jaune lay there in his bed, eyes staring blankly to the ceiling. His mouth was open, a thin, dry trail of blood coming down the side. His shirt was off, and so were his nipples. There were two scabbed holes where his nipples had been, and his bedsheets were stiff with the dried blood that had poured from the wounds.

"No… no…" said Pyrrha. "NOOOOOOO!" She fell to her knees and began to cry. Gradually other people began to gather around, and all were appalled by what they saw.

"Who could have done this?" Pyrrha asked. Neptune and Sun appeared. They both stood there in shock for a few moments.

"You don't think…" said Neptune.

"It had to have been", said Sun.

"No one's seen her this morning", said Neptune. "Pretty suspicious, if you ask me. Just up and leaving the morning after something like this happens."

"It could have been an accident", said Sun. "This is what he wanted." There was a moment of silence.

"Should we tell her?" asked Neptune.

"I think it's the right thing to do", said Sun. They both walked up behind Pyrrha. Neptune put his hand on her shoulder.

"I think we know who did this", said Neptune.

"Tell me", said Pyrrha. "Tell me, so I can kill them."

* * *

Ruby walked through the forest, consulting her map regularly to make sure she was going the right way.

"The crossroads should be right… about… there", said Ruby. She looked up ahead. Indeed, out past the trees and a little ways through the following field, there was indeed a crossroad, and in the middle of that crossroad, stuck in the ground, was the scythe she was looking for. "Yes! Yes yes yes yes!" Ruby said as she started running towards it.

Once she got there, she just stood before it in awe. No picture could do this scythe proper justice. The pink blade shone in the Sun as if producing light on it's own, and the curve of the green shaft made it appear as though it were a flower bending in the wind. Timidly, she reached out to touch it, then drew back as a portal of darkness opened on the other side of the scythe.

"You must be Ruby Rose", said the pink haired man in the dark cloak that appeared before her.

"Uh, yup, that's me!" said Ruby. The man smirked.

"My name is Marluxia", said the man. "I'm the one you contacted to get this scythe."

"Oh, yeah, I should have… should have put that together", said Ruby. "Sorry; wasn't expecting anyone to walk out of a dark portal like that. Kind of threw me off guard."

Marluxia smirked again, then looked down at his scythe.

"She is beautiful, is she not?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, very!" said Ruby. Marluxia looked at her.

"Would you like to know her name?" Marluxia asked. Ruby just nodded excitedly. "Graceful Dahlia", he said, looking back down at the scythe. "One of the finest scythes ever made. Commissioned by Death Emperor Finster himself, and crafted deep in the ancient flames of Mount Doom, meant only for the grimmest of reapers." He picked up the Graceful Dahlia and gave it a swing, smiling in admiration at the sound of splitting air. He looked at Ruby, the loving look his eyes had for his weapon replaced with a glint of determination and anticipation. "Prove your worth and she shall be your's! Fail…" he held out his arms, causing a number of scythes to appear in the air behind him, "…and the scythe you have now shall become a part of my collection."

"You're on!" said Ruby, bringing out Crescent Rose. Marluxia watched with interest as it's different parts shifted into place into the form of a scythe.

"Fascinating", said Marluxia. "What do you call her?"

"Crescent Rose", said Ruby. "And she's about to kick your ass."

"Very well then", said Marluxia. "Let the fun begin!" And with that Marluxia blinked out of existence, but Ruby was experienced enough to know that whenever that happened, the assailant would always be teleporting behind her, so she quickly met Marluxia's blade, deflecting it with her own, the blow sending her flying up into the air. Ruby quickly transformed Crescent Rose into a rifle and started firing away at Marluxia, but he just phased in and out, effortlessly dodging each shot.

"Fascinating", said Marluxia. "I look forward to adding this one to my collection!"

"In your dreams!" said Ruby, and she charged an extra powered shot and fired it right at his position, obliterating the bit of landscape it hit. After the smoke cleared, Marluxia was nowhere to be seen, but a large number of pink petals began floating around the battlefield.

"Dammit!" said Ruby, and she turned Crescent Rose back into a scythe and swung at several of the petals. She cut through each petal with ease, except for the last one she hit, which was met with much resistance, and the instance it hit there was a flash of light, revealing it to be the blade of Graceful Dahlia.

"You're not bad", said Marluxia.

"Same to you", said Ruby. They both jumped backwards and landed on the ground. Marluxia got into a wide stance and held out his scythe. Ruby did the same, and in the next moment both fighters surged forward with all their energy, blades clashing right at the center of the crossroad, and then they stood facing away from each other, standing where the other had been a moment ago. After a moment, Marluxia staggered and held his hand to his side. Ruby sighed and put away Crescent Rose.

"Your skill… could use some work", Marluxia said, suppressing the pain from the wound left from Crescent Rose. "But what you lack in skill… you make up for in sheer determination."

"Thanks!" said Ruby, turning around to face Marluxia. He held out Graceful Dahlia.

"I would be more than honored… to give you my most beloved blade."

"Wow!" said Ruby, taking the scythe. She ran her hands along the shaft; it was so smooth! She couldn't wait to stick it up her…

"I must tell you now that this scythe is entwined with my own soul", said Marluxia. "Therefore, if you do anything like, say, stick it up your pussyhole, I will know. I won't judge, like, you're welcome to do that, but just know that if you do, somewhere out there, I may achieve an erection."

"Oh, yeah, ew, why would I do that", Ruby said, laughing it off as if that wasn't the reason she came all this way for the scythe.

"I'll be around", Marluxia said with a smile. And with that, he stepped back into a portal of darkness.

Ruby looked at her new scythe, Graceful Dahlia. In the sunlight, it was so…

"Ruby!" called a voice, running out from the woods.

"Huh?" said Ruby. She turned around and saw Neptune and Sun running towards her.

"Oh, hey guys!" said Ruby.

"Ruby, did you do it?" Neptune asked, gasping for air as he stopped before her. They had been running a long way.

"Huh? Do what?"

"Jaune", said Sun. "Did you cut his nipples off last night?"

"Oh, no, I straight up forgot and went to bed. I can still do it for him tonight, though!"

"No need", said Neptune. "Jaune's dead."

"What?" said Ruby.

"Nipples cut clean off", said Sun.

"Did you do it, Ruby?!" Neptune yelled.

"What? No way! I would never… not fatally, at least. I'm on your side! I'm trying to find the killer!"

"We believe you", said Sun. "But you might have some more trouble explaining it to them…"

Out of the forest stepped the remaining members of team JNPR: Pyrrha walking at the front with Nora and Ren standing behind her to either side. Ruby met Pyrrha's glare; there was nothing but pure hatred and vengeance in those eyes.

"I should have known sooner", said Pyrrha, standing face to face with Ruby. "I should have known that it was you all along. You're the Niplord, Ruby, and I shall kill you here and now to avenge Jaune!"

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. CH 3: FILTHLUST

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 3: FILTHLUST**

* * *

Blake was taking a shit. Like, a bad shit. Like, a holy shit I can't believe how bad this shit is and… wait, oh no, my sense of smell is dead. Yeah, that kind of shit. She was panting by the time she was done, and struggled to reach for the toilet paper. It took like five minutes to wipe the leftover shit out of her asshole, because it was one of those mushy types of shit, too, the ones that don't quite drop completely out. When she was done, she stood up, pulled up her panties, and looked at the monstrosity she created.

"Sayonara", she said as she flushed the toilet. It didn't want to go down, but eventually it did. She washed her hands and left the bathroom.

"I'm next!" Yang yelled as she pushed past Blake into the bathroom.

"Jeez, what the hell, man?" Blake said, but Yang had already closed the door.

"Disgusting", said Weiss.

"What?" Blake asked.

"You haven't noticed yet?" said Weiss. "She always rushes into the bathroom the moment any one of us is finished in there."

"You don't think…" Blake started.

"Let's find out", Weiss responded. They both crept towards the bathroom door and put an ear to it.

They heard Yang sniff the air loudly. "Oh, yeah!" Yang moaned. "The smell… it's so… oh, it's so strong! Oh, God…" There was the squishy sound of a pussy being attacked by the pussybearer's own hand, and both Weiss and Blake knew who the pussybearer was. Disgusted, they both backed away.

"I…" began Blake. "I really wish we hadn't done that."

Weiss only nodded, her mouth sealed tight, her cheeks bulged and red; the telltale sign that someone's mouth is currently filled with vomit.

The toilet was flushed, the sink turned on and off, and Yang stepped out of the bathroom, looking as refreshed as a web page after someone hits the "refresh" button.

"Hey, you guys know when Ruby'll be back?" Yang asked. Blake and Weiss did their best to pull themselves back together.

"Uh, yeah", said Weiss, swallowing all of her vomit. "She said, like, by the end of the day."

"Cool cool", Yang said, stretching her arms behind her head. "Ah, nothing like the smell of shit in the morning." Meanwhile, Blake wondered how she hadn't put together Yang's fetish sooner.

"OH MY GOOOOOD!" they heard someone yell from down the hallway. Yang, Weiss, and Blake looked at each other, then rushed down the hall to the source of the yell. They found Flint Flossy crying, kneeling in a doorway. Within the room, the topless body of his teammate, Neon Katt, was lying sideways on the floor, her neck snapped and nipples seeping blood. It was a fresh kill.

"Ruby killed someone else?" someone in the crowd asked.

"No, it couldn't be her", someone else responded. "She went into the forest earlier, and the surviving members of Team JNPR went in after her."

"Who said that?!" Weiss demanded. "Who called Ruby a killer?!" Mercury Black stepped forward.

"They found Jaune dead this morning, his nipples cut off, much like her's", said Mercury. "Yesterday, Ruby said he'd help Jaune cut his nipples off."

"But if she wasn't here to commit this murder", Penny said, "That would stand to reason that she is not the Niplord."

"Someone has to tell Pyrrha", said Sayori from Doki Doki Literature Club.

"But how?" asked Chip Skylark.

"Did anyone else go after Ruby?" asked Weiss. "Aside from JNPR?"

"There were two…" said Sayori.

* * *

"Nora", said Pyrrha, "Ren. Stand back."

"Hey, he was our teammate, too!" said Nora.

"I'm sorry, Nora", said Pyrrha. "But I must fight this battle alone."

"Pyrrha, I don't understand", said Ruby. "Jaune was my friend, too! Why do you think I…"

"SHUT UP!" said Pyrrha, drawing her shield and spear. "Shut up and fight me!"

Ruby stuck Graceful Dahlia in the ground. "No", said Ruby. "I won't."

"Fine", said Pyrrha. "I wanted to give you a fighting chance, Ruby, but you've left me no choice." In the blink of an eye she threw her spear at Ruby, who jumped out of the way while simultaneously kicking the spear away and picking up her new scythe, the Graceful Dahlia. She went in to hit Pyrrha with the shaft of the scythe, but the shaft was met with a shield, and Pyrrha jabbed a spear towards Ruby, causing Ruby to jump back.

"You bitch!" said Pyrrha, throwing her shield at Ruby like Captain America. "I'll kill you!"

"No!" Ruby said. She swung her scythe and was surprised to see it cut right through the shield like butter. _This is a truly deadly weapon_, she thought to herself. She stuck it back in the ground and said "I won't fight you, Pyrrha."

"Why, you…" Pyrrha growled.

"Hey, stop the fight! Stop the fight!" Sun yelled.

"Why?" said Pyrrha.

"I got a text from Blake!" said Sun. "Someone else has just been killed; nipples cut off!"

"Wait, but that means…" began Pyrrha. Neptune walked between the two fighters.

"Ruby is not the killer", said Neptune.

Pyrrha glared at Ruby, then looked at Neptune, then looked at Ruby with a softer, sadder expression. "I…" she began, looking down to the ground. "I'm… sorry, Ruby. I should have known better."

Ruby walked towards Pyrrha. "It's alright, Pyrrha", said Ruby. She gave her a hug. "It's alright…"

Ruby, Sun, Neptune, and the surviving members of Team JNPR made it back to Bacon Adademy, and were met by the rest of Team RWBY.

"I… assume you've heard the news", said Weiss.

"Yeah", said Ruby. Yang gave her sister a hug.

"To make things worse", said Blake, "apparently, Jaune's body has gone missing."

"WHAT?!" said Ruby, Pyrrha, Nora, Ren, Sun, and Neptune. Even Speedwagon was surprised!

"Yeah, no one knows what the fuck is up with that", said Yang.

"How could it have gone missing?" Pyrrha asked.

"No one knows", said Weiss. "But the school has agreed to put off the dual funeral for Jaune and Neon until after his body is found."

"If you ask me…" said Blake, "they're just waiting for this whole thing to be over, so they can just have one big funeral for every student that will get killed by the Niplord."

"I can't believe they would be that cynical", said Ruby. Blake shrugged.

"Stay on your guard, guys", said Pyrrha, starting to walk away with Nora and Ren following. "And if you need help, don't hesitate to ask us."

* * *

The time had finally come. Ruby was lying in her bed, "sleeping" with one eye open. She looked and listened around. The rest of her team was fast asleep. She reached over to her new scythe, the Graceful Dahlia, and brought it into bed with her. She began by stroking the shaft. It was so smooth. Then she spat on her hands and started jerking the scythe off, as if it was a big ol' green colored shween. When she was satisfied with how slick the shaft was, she reached under her sheets and pulled off her already soaked panties. She then brought the scythe under the sheets and stuck the shaft into her cooter, spreading her pussylips to the max. She could hardly comprehand the pleasure as she slowly thrusted it inside herself.

Meanwhile, miles away from Bacon Adademy, Marluxia was busy getting groceries.

"That'll be $13.39", said the cashier, Josh Peck.

"Right", said Marluxia. He reached into the inner pocket of his black cloak to get his wallet, when all of a sudden…

"Wh… What?" Marluxia's ding-dong was hard as a rock, and all of a sudden his mind was flooded with images of Ruby Rose pleasuring herself with the scythe she had won from him. "Oh… Oh, God. I mustn't", he said, resisting an urge. "Oh, but I must!" And with that, instead of going for his wallet, he went for his pingus and started jerking off, hoping that it wasn't too noticeable and that it wouldn't take too long.

"Whenever you're ready", said the Josh Peck. "Aaaaany day, now."

"Give me… a moment", Marluxia moaned.

"Are… Are you alright?"

"I SAID GIVE ME A MOMENT!" Marluxia yelled.

"Wait a minute", said the Josh Peck, noticing that Marluxia's right arm seemed to be working more in an _I'm jacking my shween_ motion than an _I'm getting my wallet out of my pocket_ motion. "Are you…" It was at that moment that Marluxia released an extremely loud moan and nutted thirteen times right on Josh Peck's voluptuous face.

"Police! Police!" the Josh Pecker yelled. "We got a public masturbator! PUBLIC MASTURBATOR!"

"No, you don't understand!" Marluxia yelled as a bunch of police slid sideways across the floor to block off either end of the cashier lane. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"Oh, we understand perfectly well", said Officer Jenny.

"No, you DON'T!" Marluxia yelled as the cops started taking him away. "I COULDN'T NOT MASTURBATE! YOU HEAR ME?! I COULDN'T NOT MASTURBAAAAATE!"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Ruby screamed as she came hard all across the room. She lay there gasping for air for a couple minutes, then removed the scythe from her cooter. "Oh shit…"

She looked around. Her friends were still asleep, thankfully. Her pussy juices would dry by the morning, and while they would wonder why they and their blankets were covered in a sticky substance, they would never suspect it was her. Ruby didn't clean herself off, either, so that she could feign ignorance. She laid her soaked back on her soaked bed and fell asleep.

* * *

"Ruby…" Ruby heard a voice calling for her in her dream. "Ruby…"

"Who is that?" Ruby asked. "Jaune?"

"Yes, Ruby", said Jaune. "Follow the sound of my voice…" Ruby did so, walking through the darkness. As she progressed, the blackness of her dream started taking form. There was a light at the end, like a single star, and as she made her way towards it the dark lit into gray. As she got closer, the light took the form of a person. As she got even closer she recognized it as Jaune.

"Jaune!" said Ruby.

"Ruby", said Jaune.

"What are you doing here?" Ruby asked.

"Being here", said Jaune.

"Huh, I guess that makes sense", said Ruby. "So… is it true? Are you really dead?"

"I don't know", said Jaune. "Are you dead?"

"I don't think so", said Ruby. "Unless I just randomly died in my sleep. Boy would that suck!"

"Hm…" said Jaune. Suddenly his shirt was off.

"Uh, what happened to your shirt?" Ruby asked. She suddenly noticed a knife in Jaune's right hand.

"Wouldn't we look better…" he said, bringing the knife to his left nipple, "Without nipples?" He slipped the knife beneath his nipple and slowly started cutting it away. "It feels so good, Ruby", he said, eyes glazed over in pleasure and his dick almost poking out of his pants. The nipple fell away, and he looked up at Ruby. "Would you… like me to do you next?" he started working on his other nipple.

"AAAHHHHHH!" Ruby screamed. She wanted to run away, but found herself frozen in place as Jaune cut away his other nipple. Ruby looked down at her hands and saw them covered in blood. "AAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Ruby?" Came another voice from beyond the darkness. "Ruby!"

"AAAAHHHHHH!" Ruby screamed again, and she sat right up in her bed. "It's not over… It's not over!" she said, after she saw that the entire room was covered in blood.

"What the FUCK?!" Blake asked. "How did this happen?!"

"Was somebody killed?" Yang asked. Ruby thought for a moment, then went still. She looked under her sheets and found that her panties were soaked in blood.

"I, uh…" said Ruby. "I think I know what happened." Her friends looked at her, and then Weiss's face dropped.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me", said Weiss. "Did you fucking squirt again?!"

"Heh heh", said Ruby. "What can I say?" And then the screen shrunk to a circle that surrounded Ruby's face, and she looked at the camera and said "That's all folks!" while at the bottom of the screen appeared the words "That's all folks!" and the Looney Tunes music was playing in the background and the screen went blank.

TO BE CONTINUED


	4. CH 4: DOCTOR WHO

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 4: DOCTOR WHO**

* * *

Jerry Seinfeld was the main character of _Cheers_, and Qrow Branwen was the only person who knew. _Or was it the whiskey_? Qrow downed another shot. _No, definitely Jerry Seinfeld._ Qrow stared wistfully at a random spot on the bar, wondering "What ever happened to the 80's, anyways?" (See "Evan Drakes Unrepentant Bitches"). He heard someone pull themselves into the seat next to him and say "I'll have a Bitter Irony, please."

"Bitter Irony", said Qrow. "Haven't had that drink in ages."

"Hm…" said the person next to him. Qrow turned his head to see who he was talking to.

"Your drink, scyr", said the bartender.

"Thanks", said…

"Wait, you're Ruby's scythe", said Qrow. "Crescent Rose."

"Not anymore", said Crescent Rose. "She's fucking another scythe now."

"She's… Oh, wow…" said Qrow. "Hey, bartender!"

"Please, call me Big Bird", said Big Bird the bartender.

"Yeah, Big Bird, whatever; what is it I'm drinking?"

"That right there is premium Piss Whiskey, right from the special TRUMP stock."

"Yeah, gonna stay away from this for… ever", he said, downing the shot and then ordering something else.

"I thought we had something special", said Crescent Rose.

"Oh good, you're still here", said Qrow.

"I was her first, you know."

"Well, didn't need to know that", said Qrow. He watched Crescent Rose take a sip of its Bitter Irony, not understanding even as he watched how a scythe could drink anything.

"I'm gonna need to find a new wielder", said Crescent Rose.

"You're in luck", said a stranger in a black cloak, who Qrow hadn't noticed taking the seat on his other side. "I just happen to be looking for a scythe to use."

Qrow squinted his eyes, trying to get a good luck at the stranger beside him. His eyes widened. "Wait a minute. You're…"

* * *

It was a rainy day, and Ruby stood waiting at a bus stop. Beside her stood Satsuki, her younger sister Mei on her shoulders, and beside them was their neighbor Totoro. Ruby checked her watch, tapped her foot, and looked to her right.

All of a sudden a giant catbus arrived at the bus stop, and Satsuki, Mei, and Totoro all got on board.

"You coming?" Satsuki asked Ruby.

"No", said Ruby, sighing. "Don't think I'll be able to do that again for a while."

"What?"

"No, I'm not coming", said Ruby. "I'm waiting for this!" She pointed to the sign beside the bus stop, which read "GYNECOLOGIST: WAIT HERE"

"Oh, okay", said Satsuki.

"BRRROOOOOOAAAAARRR!" screamed Totoro Kujo, and with that the bus raced off into the stormy night. Ruby Rose shivered, cold, wet, and alone in the darkness, illuminated only by the hazy streetlight above, with a severe pain emanating from her ruptured loins. But then there was a sound that sounded like "Wr...wr...wr..." and the TARDIS materialized before her. The Doctor (played by Peter Capaldi) poked his head out.

"Ruby Rose?"

"That's me!" said Ruby. The Doctor smiled.

"I'm the Doctor. Come inside." And so Ruby came inside.

"This way, please", said the Doctor, walking her through the main room of the TARDIS and into a side room with a sign reading GYNECOLOGY OFFICE. He opened the door. "Right this way, please." Ruby obliged, taking a seat on the medical examination bench. The Doctor entered the room, a young lady with brunette hair following behind him. "Ruby, this is my assistant, er, companion, er, nurse, Clara".

"G'day!" said Clara.

"Ooh, everything is so British!" said Ruby.

"Scottish", The Doctor said under his breath. "Alright, first things first; gonna have to have a look at that pussyhole."

"Doctor, that's the second thing", said Clara.

"Alright", said the Doctor. "First things first, I'm gonna do some regular checkup things." And so he did some regular checkup things. He took out his Sonic Stethoscope and held it to Ruby's chest, and immediately he gasped, his eyes wide open.

"What is it?" Clara asked. Another moment passed, and the Doctor didn't say anything. Clara stood nervously by the door.

"There…" the Doctor sputtered, "There are t… no, that's not possible."

"What's not possible?" asked Ruby. The Doctor squinted his eyes and listened harder, then he eased up a bit, smiled, and stood up, taking the stethoscope away.

"Nothing", said the Doctor. "I was hearing things. You're a human, not a Time Lord. You only have one heart"

"Awesome!" said Ruby.

"Yes", said the Doctor. "Anyways, as the kids say these days, 'DROP DAT TROU AN' SHOW ME DA PUSSYHOLE!"

"Alrighty!" said Ruby, and she exposed her whole vageene to Doctor fuckiing Who.

"HOLY SHIT!" said The Doctor. Clara projectile vomited into her hand.

"Is it bad?" asked Ruby.

"It's, ah…" began the Doctor. "Gee, it sure is something! There's nothing a bandage can't fix, though!" he got a bandage at the ready, then got on his knees for a better vantage point on Ruby's ripe teen cunt. "Oh dear."

"What is it, Doc?"

"A bandage ain't fixin' this one. We're gonna have to go deeper."

"Deeper?"

"Yes", said the Doctor. "As deep as Doctor fucking Who can go. Clara, come with me." They both left the room, then returned dragging a big-ass, white device that was big enough for two fuckers to fucking stand fucking fuchety in.

"We present to you…" began the Clara. "The Sonic Shrink-Dink."

"Oooh, that looks like fun!" said Ruby.

"Yes, very fun", said the Doctor. "What's going to happen now, is, I'm going to grab this box of bandages, then Clara, the bandages, and I will enter the Sonic Shrink-Dink and shrink to a very very very small size."

"Yeah, like the size of his last regeneration's wanger", said Clara.

The Doctor turned slowly to Clara and said, calm and restrained, "Fuck off?" Clara made a motion to zip her lips. "Anyways, once we're very, very small, we're going to walk up inside your hoo-ha and patch things up from the inside, with the aforementioned bandages. Any questions?"

"Uh, yeah", said Ruby. "Isn't there any way to do this without using a Sonic Shrink-Dink?"

"No", said the Doctor. "Let's begin. Clara, ready the machine!" Clara pulled a lever, causing the Sonic Shrink-Dink to begin to whirr. She, The Doctor, and the bandages went into the Sonic Shrink-Dink, and were promptly shrunk small enough to enter Ruby's Vagina. A bridge extended from the machine to the place on the bench right beneath where Ruby's vagoo lay in wait. Ruby watched as they crossed the bridge.

"You won't even notice that we're in there!" yelled the Doctor. Clara attempted to pass through Ruby's vagina lips, only to get stuck halfway, feet kicking out like a pornographic Winnie the Pooh.

"Doctor, help!" yelled Clara. "I'm stuck inside this woman!"

"Goddammit, Clara!" said the Doctor, and he stood behind Clara and kicked her right into Ruby's cervix, causing Ruby to moan, then followed behind her, also causing Rubby to maon.

"It's dark in here", said Clara. "And dank."

"Wear these", said the Doctor, handing her a pair of glasses. "These will let you see in the dark." He put on his own pair of Sonic Shades. "We must be careful; remember that we're in a vagina. Make too much movement in here and we could trigger an orgasm, which, considering the amount of contusions within here, and the pressure of the muscle convulsions themselves, would almost certainly mean death for us."

"Right", said Clara.

"Now", said the Doctor, "On to business." They looked around. There were cuts and pussy wounds all over the place. "We've got a lot of work to do." He walked up to one of the cuts, then pulled out a bandage and applied it to the wound, only for it to fall right off. "What?" He tried again, and once more it fell off. "No, stay on!" said The Doctor. He pushed really hard on the bandage, but still, it fell. "Dammit." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a hammer and nails, then nailed the bandage into the wound. "Perfect." He handed Clara some bandages, a hammer, and some nails, and they got to work, making their way down Ruby's genitalia.

"What was that earlier, Doctor?" asked Clara. "It seemed like something was bothering you for a bit while you were giving her her checkup."

"It was nothing", said the Doctor. "For a second, I thought I heard a second heart beating inside her. But that's impossible. Unless…"

"You think it might have anything to do with the temporal anomaly?"

"I don't know", said The Doctor. "But it's definitely a possibility. We will definitely be staying around Bacon Adademy for a while."

"Hey, Doctor," said Clara. "What are those?" she pointed upwards to a bunch of balls that were all over the chamber they had entered.

"Egg cells", said the Doctor. "We've made our way into one of the ovaries."

"But that one's… different", she said, pointing to an egg on the other side of the ovary. It was black, but shining, almost like a jewel.

"That… that's no egg", said the Doctor. He made haste to it, then scanned it with his Sonic Shades. He gasped. "It is an egg. But there's more to it than that. This… no, it can't be…"

"What is it?"

"Have you heard of the various types of jewels that cover this land?"

"You mean like the Protajewels?"

"Yes, like those. Jewels that bear connections to the gods that rule this land. There are the Protajewels, connected to the Godchris, which came from the Earth. And then there are a variety of other jewels throughout the World, such as the Pjojewels, bearing the essence of the Goddermeyer, and the Antajewels, bearing the essence of the Petano. This one… it bears the name… Omegajewel. Deity… unknown."

"If that egg becomes fertilized…"

"This world's a story, Clara", said The Doctor, "Of course the egg's going to fertilized. But when it does…"

"Who know?"

"Yes, who knows…" The Doctor looked around. "Our work here is done. Let's get out of here." And so they started walking back to the entrance, making sure not to make too much of a commotion.

"Something's wrong", said Clara as they made it back to the vagina.

"You're right", said the Doctor. "There should be light."

"Doctor, look!" He looked, and saw that there was a finger sticking right inside.

"RUBY, NO!" The Doctor yelled. He could feel Ruby's vaginal muscles moving beneath him. The earth was quaking, the walls was shaking, her pussy aching, Ruby masturbating (and you… shook me all night long!)

"She's really going at it!" said Clara. The Doctor looked around. He could feel some liquid seeping into his shoes. _Blood?_ _No; the bandages seem to be holding for now; it must just be vaginal fluid._

"Ruby, you must listen to me!" said the Doctor. "You must stop masturbating right now!"

"I can't stop!" Ruby called back. "It's so hot! There are whole people! Inside me! Ooohhhhh, it makes me so horny!"

"Have you ever seen a miscarriage, Ruby?!" the Doctor asked. "Because if you keep at this, Clara and I will die in here and then come out like one, all bloody, dead, disfigured, right out of your pussy. Do you want that, Ruby? Do you want a double miscarriage?" There was no response but pleasured moaning. "It's no use. There's only one way to take care of this." He pointed his Sonic Screwdriver at a wall and a door formed.

"Where does that go?" asked Clara.

"It's a portal into her bloodstream", said The Doctor. "We're going to need to hitch a ride up to the brain; otherwise, we'll die here, drowned in bloody vaginal fluid, and Ruby will probably be dead as well." He stopped talking, suddenly turning. "Did you see that?"

"See what?" Clara asked.

"I thought I saw… a shadow move." He looked closer. "No, it was nothing. Let's just go." They stepped into the blood stream and rode it through the heart (which the Doctor only saw one of) and right up to the brain).

"Last stop!" said the Doctor, and he and Clara hopped out of the bloodstream and into Ruby's skull. They looked up and saw her brain; a lump of gray matter shaped exactly how it is in the textbooks, except for the fact that images of imaginary worlds were playing out in translucent illusions all around it.

"The fractal of fiction goes on", the Doctor said thoughtfully. He turned to Clara and said "Alright, there's only one way to take care of this."

"What is that?" asked Clara.

"This", said the Doctor, and he leapt up into the air, yelled "Lights out!" and punched Ruby's brain directly…

* * *

"Wh… what happened?" Ruby asked upon waking up. She looked down and saw that her pussy was out, as the kids say, "For Grandad", but that there was a bandage covering it entirely, stitched right to her skin. She felt the bandage. It was… metal?

"Good, you're awake", said the Doctor. "Yeah, you won't be playing with yourself anytime soon."

"What?!" said Ruby.

"That bandage is made of flexible Valyrian steel; there's no getting through it and no getting it off until two weeks have passed, at which point the timer will run out and it will detach from your body. For now, you're on nofap."

"Not nofap!" said Ruby.

"Sorry, but that's how it has to be. You almost vored Clara and I to death, and almost undid all the work we did to patch up your insides. You could have done permanent damage, but thankfully, in a couple weeks, you'll be alright."

"Alright, I guess", said Ruby. She started walking towards the exit. "Thanks, Doc." She left. Clara stepped towards el Doctro.

"We've got a lot of work to do around here, don't we?" asked Clara.

"Indeed, we do", said The Doctor. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. He opened it, and stared at the pair of nipples inside…

* * *

"I'm home!" said Ruby. Her eyes widened as he saw Weiss, Blake, and Yang gathered around the couch, where Qrow lay unconscious, blood seeping from the right side of his chest. "What happened?!"

"He came to our door like this!" said Yang. "And he collapsed. We've patched him up, but he's… he's missing a nipple."

"No…" said Ruby, clenching her fist. "Why did he come here?"

"He wanted to say something", said Weiss.

"He must know the identity of the Niplord", said Blake. "When he wakes up, we should at least have a lead."

"Good", said Ruby. She felt a buzz in her pocket and pulled out her phone. It was an email from Marluxia.

"Thinking of you, wherever you are. I'm in prison. Public masturbation. Pls help", the message read.

"Oh, Marluxia", Ruby said, shaking her head. She turned to the rest of her team. "I'll be back guys; I gotta give someone a hand…"

"Job!" Yang cut off. Everyone laughed, except for Qrow, who was still in very bad shape.

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. CH 5: PRISON SEX (is a song by TOOL)

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 5: PRISON SEX (IS A SONG BY TOOL)**

"Gimme your hands," said David Bowie.

"I don't have hands," Squidward responded. "I only have tentacles."

"Just as well," said David Bowie. "Let me see them." Squidward extended a tentacle. Bowie looked at it, inspected it, caressed it, then ignored it, looked out the window of the diner, and sipped his coffee. "There really is no substitute for a human hand."

"There really is no substitute for a human body," Squidward responded, sipping his own coffee. He turned to Bowie and asked "How long you sticking around here for?"

"A couple more days," he said. "Then I'm off to a small town in Japan. A place called Morioh. I'm rather fond of it." He sipped his coffee. "Have you produced The Ink?"

Squidward reached into his shirt pocket and handed Bowie a syringe and a large vial of dark liquid. Kira's theme from _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable_ starts playing in the background as David Bowie filled the syringe with The Ink, poked the needle into his skin, and slowly injected himself. Squidward watched as Bowie's form began to transform, his three dimensional figure beginning to flatten, the colors of his skin, hair, and clothing becoming more vibrant, more animated. The man before him sighed, then looked Squidward in the eyes.

"My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone."

Squidward smiled. "Of all your personas, why do you like being him?"

"I just do," said Kira.

"Well, I'm glad I got to enjoy a conversation with an old friend."

"The pleasure is mine," said Yoshikage Kira, standing up and adjusting his skull and crossbow tie. "I shall always be glad to speak to the last surviving son of Cthulhu. Take care." Squidward waved him goodbye, then looked out the window, sipping his coffee. In his peripheral vision he saw a cloaked figure pass by his table. When he looked back to the table there was a piece of paper, a note. He picked it up and read it. Right at the top, in bold letters, were the words "NEW VICTIMS". Squidward smiled and finished his coffee.

* * *

Ruby Rose wore her best skirt to the prison on the outskirts of town, a buttclenchingly bleak, large, gray prison, surrounded by iron fences and beaten to submission by an unforgiving Sun. She passed through the gates, through the entrance, and into a musty entrance hall, the cracked tile floor, desolate reception desk, and expressionless concrete walls all illuminated by a single lightbulb, hanging by a wire from the ceiling.

"Visitor for Marluxia," Ruby told the guard behind the desk.

"We've got about four Marluxia's," said the guard, Hopper from _Stranger Things_. "Last name?"

"Um… I, uh… I didn't actually know he had a last name," said Ruby.

"Ah, I'm just fucking with you!" Hopper said with a smile. "There's only one asshole in the world with a name that fucking stupid." He stood up and walked towards the iron door on the left side of the room. "His cell is this way."

"Thank you," Ruby said, following him through the door. The passed many prisoners, including Bill Cosby, Rohan Kishibe, one of those Nazi guys from the last season of Breaking Bad, and Steve from Blue's Clues, before reaching the metal door to the visiting room.

"You know he's a public masturbator, right?" asked Hopper. "He jazzed all over the face of Josh Pecker!"

"It's fine," said Ruby. "I'll be alright."

"Alright," said Hopper. "If he tries anything funny, knock on the door three times. If you're just ready to leave, only knock twice."

"Gotcha," said Ruby.

Hopper nodded, took out his keys, and unlocked the door, saying "You have an hour."

Ruby stepped inside. The room was lit like the entrance hall, with a single dangling light bulb. In the back center of the room was a decrepit double bed, with a soiled mattress and rusty metal frame, and two flimsy, stained pillows. Marluxia lay on the bed shirtless, his arms reaching back and around some of the metal bars of the head board, his head facing downwards, face obscured by his hair coming down. He looked up with a smirk.

"You came."

"I hear that you did as well," said Ruby.

Marluxia smiled a little more, then uncurled his arms from around the bars, now sitting cross-legged on the bed. "We came together."

"The guard told me to tell him if you got up to any funny business," Ruby said with a smile.

"There's nothing funny about this business," Marluxia said, spreading his legs. "If you want funny business, I heard that Jerry Seinfeld will be putting on a show at a nearby comedy club."

Ruby stayed silent for a few moments before saying "I don't give a shit about Jerry Seinfeld."

"I know," said Marluxia. "But that didn't stop him from scheduling a show here. Anyways, I could feel that you've been enjoying my scythe! I was wondering if you might want to enjoy my other scythe?" He reached into his pants and pulled out his bent, scythe shaped penis.

"Unfortunately, I can't," said Ruby. She lifted her skirt, revealing the bandage over her cooter. "Valyrian steel. Jilled off too hard, and Doctor Who put me on nofap. Hopefully you weren't expecting any prison sex."

"Hmph," Marluxia said with a grin. "My lamb and martyr, you look so precious."

"YO, DID YOU JUST MAKE A TOOL REFERENCE?!" Ruby yelled.

"Hell yeah!" said Marluxia. "TOOL is my shit!"

"Yo, they're so good!" said Ruby. "I didn't expect you to quote any lyrics from 'Prison Sex' by TOOL after saying the words 'Prison Sex'!"

"What can I say?" said Marluxia. "I have found some temporary sanity in this shit blood and cum on my hands!"

"YO!" said Ruby. "Do you have a favorite TOOL song?"

"'Lateralus' from the album 'Lateralus'" said Marluxia. "You know all the Fibonacci stuff they do in that song?"

"Oh," said Ruby. "You mean how the number of syllables in each line of the vocals changes in accordance to the sequence, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 5, and so on?"

"Yeah!" said Marluxia. "I love all the mathematics they put in their music!"

"You know how three of the songs in 10,000 days form a puzzle?"

"Of course!" said Marluxia. "'10,000 Days' on one audio track and 'Viginti Tres' followed by 'Wings for Marie' on another track and it all syncs perfectly! It's fucking rad!"

"It is!" said Ruby. "It's like, who thinks to do that?"

"These fucking madlads," said Marluxia.

"Maynard is one of the best vocalists in all of prog," said Ruby Rose from the animated series RWBY.

"Yes, I agree. Maynard is one of the best vocalists in all of prog," said Marluxia from the video game series known as Kingdom Hearts. "And I wish I could play guitar as good as Adam Jones."

"Agreed," said Ruby. "I had no idea you were such a big TOOL fan!"

"Fun fact," said Marluxia. "Every time I'm wearing that dark cloak I always wear, I've got a TOOL t-shirt underneath, with a picture of the album art for Aenima."

"No shit!" said Ruby. "The proof was right there all along!"

"Yep," said Marluxia. "I fucking love TOOL."

"Yo, you hear the new single off their upcoming album yet?"

"THEY'RE ACTUALLY RELEASING A NEW FUCKING ALBUM AFTER THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS!?" said Marluxia.

"Hell yeah!" said Ruby. "You were already in prison when they announced it."

"Fuck, how is it?" asked Marluxia. "How's the new song?"

Ruby pulled it out. "I can play it for you."

"PLEASE!" said Marluxia. "What's it called?"

"'Fear Inoculum'" said Ruby. "Which will also be the name of the album. Are you ready?"

"Bring it on," said Marluxia. Ruby hit the play button. "Oooh, I like this intro. Almost kind of relaxing. Oh shit, here come the bongos I think. Are those bongos? FUCKING SITAR. Yaaasssss. Psychadelic af. Oh, it's building. Here we go, with that buildup. You know it's getting real when the bass starts to slap. Oh, there's my boy! Voice still sounds as good as it did in the 90's! Oh, here we go, bois! Here we go! Oh, not yet. The time for nutting has not yet arrived. 'I exhale you'. Who is he inhaling? Oh fuck! Oh, not yet. 'Bless this immunity'. I look forward to finding out what the fuck this song is about, because it sounds rad. Oh, here we go! HERE WE GO! Oh, he's edging us! We're being edged! Bongo solo. Oh, it's picking up again! EXHALE! EXPEL! Drum boi! He's the fucking drum boi! Oh, this riff is getting heavy! Fuzz me up, daddy-o! Big 'Forty-Six and Two' feels here. Heavy distorted guitar sound! Dat's some good ass mixing. Oh, it's getting heavier! OH FUCK, HERE WE GO! HERE COMES THE NUT! OOOOOOOHHHHHH yeah, that's good shit. One two three four. One two three four. Dugadugadugaduga. Oh fuck, here we go with the guitar tone! What the fuck is that guitar tone! What the fuck is this time signature anyways? Woooooo, that was good shit!"

"Ye!" said Ruby. "Album of the year coming right up!"

"Shit man," said Marluxia. "And I thought Terraformer by Thank You Scientist was going to be the best prog album of the year. It's really freaking good, but then you got TOOL just dancing back into the scene like 'Doo-doo-doo, get fuking rekt, scrubs!"

"We'll see," said Ruby. "Thank You Scientist may very well still have the best prog album of the year!"

"We shall see," said Marluxia. "We shall see.

"Wrap it up in there!" said Hopper.

"I'll be right out!" said Ruby.

"So how long do you have to keep your vagoo locked up?"

"The Doctor said two weeks," said Ruby.

"I'll see you then!" said Marluxia with a wink.

"I hope so!" said Ruby. She walked towards the door.

"Ruby!" said Marluxia. "Take care of the Graceful Dahlia!"

"I've been taking the best care of it!" said Ruby.

"Oh, and make sure to buy me a copy of Fear Inoculum, the new album by TOOL, as well!"

"Will do," said Ruby. She knocked on the door once. Twice. Three times. "Oh, oops!" Hopper kicked open the door, gun pointed forward.

"What did I tell you about FUCKING funny business?!" Hopper screamed. "Get on your FUCKING knees you PINK HAIRED BUNGLE-HOPPER!"

"No no no no!" Ruby said, panicked. "No funny business. I forgot the three knock thing. Everything's fine."

"Goddammit," said Hopper. "I told you that three knocks meant there was trouble! I almost fucking killed that man over there." Marluxia rolled his eyes as if to say _Oh really?_

"I'm sorry," said Ruby.

"Alright, well, let's go," said Hopper. The door closed behind them.

Marluxia laid back, hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling. Softly, he sang "Swing on the spiral

Of our divinity

And still be a human."

* * *

"How is he?" Ruby asked as she returned home.

"The same," said Yang. "Not great."

"He hasn't moved a bit," said Weiss, the instant before he moved a bit.

"He moved a bit!" said Blake. His mouth started to twitch.

"He's trying to say something!" said Speedwagon.

"What is it, Uncle Qrow?" said Ruby. "Who is the Niplord?"

"J… J…" Qrow began. "Jerry… Seinfeld."

"That COCKSUCKER!" said Yang. "Jerry Seinfeld was the fucking Niplord all along!"

"It's gotta be him," said Ruby. "It can't be a coincidence that these nipple related murders started happening in our town shortly before he was due to put on a show."

"Oh, he's gonna put on a show, alright," said Yang. "And it's gonna be the greatest show on fucking Earth! So good, his nipples will perk right up!"

* * *

Jerry Seinfeld sat in his hotel room, shirtless, gently rubbing his nipples. "Man is having nipples great," he said to his girlfriend in the other room. "And you know, the thing is, men don't need nipples, you know? We don't produce milk. We can't feed our babies. But we've still got them, so plump and sensitive, right there for us to rub. This is the life…" he sat there, lightly rubbing and pinching his nipples. "Man nipples are the best…"

TO BE CONTINUED


	6. CH 6: SEINFELD S10 EP1: THE HANGED MAN

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 6: A CHAPTER ABOUT NOTHING**

**Or**

**SEINFELD S10 EP1: THE HANGED MAN**

* * *

(SEINFELD BASS plays JERRY'S THEME as JERRY SEINFELD stands onstage at THE BACON CITY COMEDY CLUB, performing his routine for an especially unimpressed crowd.)

JERRY: So I went for a tarot reading the other day. I'd never been to one before, so I didn't really know what to expect. I knew it had something to do with cards, so I thought "What, are we gonna play a card game? A few hands of poker? A couple rounds of blackjack? What kind of fortune am I in for anyways, the money kind?" (Audience is silent) So I come into this guy's office, this old man, with a long gray beard and everything, and he takes one look at me and puts down a single card. I take a look at it, I see the number XII and a guy hanging upside down, sort of tied to a branch on a tree with a rope. So I ask the guy "What does that mean? Did I win?" (Audience is silent) You see, I wanted to win at tarot. (There is still no laughter. Someone coughs. JERRY licks his lips, then continues his routine) So the man tells me, "Your card is The Hanged Man." Now, I'm no expert at Tarot, but I figured if I got a guy hanging himself, that probably meant that I lost at Tarot. He confirmed that, basically, I'd be going through some deep shit in the near future, so I asked, what, is this going to lead to me hanging myself? And he just smiled! He just laughed! I asked if we could draw again, you know, maybe the next hand would be better. I REALLY wanted to win at fucking tarot! But he just said "You already have two hands. The next will come in the next life," and he got right up and left. So I'm just sitting there, thinking "Wow, this game has high stakes. Can't play this stuff in Vegas!" (No applause) Wow, hard audience. Well, the night is still young! Maybe I can win you over before it's done! (SEINFELD BASS begins playing "A CRUEL ANGEL'S THESIS" from _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ as the title card and opening credits show)

**SEINFELD:**

"**THE HANGED MAN"**

**STARRING JERRY SEINFELD**

* * *

(Black screen. KRAMER's voice is heard)

KRAMER: I used to think my life was a comedy. Turns out, it's a fucking tragedy. (Sound of a gunshot)

(JERRY's apartment. JERRY SEINFELD and ELAINE BENIS are having a conversation)

ELAINE: Did you have to kill it, Jerry?

JERRY: Oh, I killed it!? It killed itself, Elaine! It's a bee! When a bee stings someone, that's it! It's dead! Hasta la bee-sta!

ELAINE: (Looking irritated) Well you didn't need to hit it.

JERRY: What? Should we have given it a little bee funeral? Have his friends, his family, the whole hive show up? The queen comes down on a red carpet and gives a little speech, "Mr. Bee was a pretty good worker. He wasn't the best, but he could sure pull in _some _pollen. Too bad he spent too much time in some comedian's apartment in the middle of the city instead of in a field of flowers!"

ELAINE: Jerry…

(They both look to the back of the apartment as a manic scream comes from the back of the apartment. GEORGE COZTANZA comes running towards them)

JERRY: What's the problem, George?

GEORGE: I saw a man! In the mirror!

JERRY: Was he short? Kinda chubby? Balding?

ELAINE: Did he look a bit like you?

GEORGE: He looked nothing like me! He was taller. And his hair was silver, Jerry, SILVER! Be honest Jerry, do I have a thick head of silver hair?

JERRY: You don't have much hair it all!

GEORGE: Alright, but is it SILVER?!

JERRY: Hold on, let me get a closer look. (Leans in) Just that one. That one there is silver.

GEORGE: OH NO!

ELAINE: You know George, it's really common for middle aged men to have a few gray hairs pop in before they're old. It's really nothing to worry about!

GEORGE: They're not gray, Elaine. THEY'RE SILVER! I mean, I can't go walking around with silver hair, it's bad for my image! And in my reflection I had a full head of hair! It wasn't me! I think I'm going crazy Jerry. Am I going crazy?

JERRY: Calm down, George. We'll all go to the bathroom together, and we'll have a look at our own reflections.

GEORGE: I can't go to the bathroom with you two!

JERRY: Why not?

GEORGE: I'll get nervous…

JERRY: We're looking in the mirror, not having a three-way piss!

(Enter KRAMER with a LONG, LARGE BOX)

KRAMER: Hey, is someone having a three way piss in here?

JERRY: No, Kramer, we're not having a three way piss in here.

KRAMER: Well, now that I'm here, we're not! It's gonna have to be a four way piss! (Begins unzipping pants)

JERRY: KRAMER, KRAMER, DON'T!

ELAINE: Jesus, Kramer.

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: Put that away, Kramer, no one's pissing around anyone, we're just going to look at our reflections.

KRAMER: What's so interesting about your reflections?

ELAINE: George thought he saw some gray hairs.

GEORGE: SILVER! The hair was SILVER!

KRAMER: Wait, let me have a look. (Leans in) Not sure about silver, but there's definitely some gray. Y'know, I've got something that might help!

GEORGE: Not interested.

KRAMER: No, George, George, George, George, this will work! My pal told me "Give this to someone who needs it". And I can tell that you need it.

ELAINE: What's this "It"? Is that what's in that box you're carrying?

KRAMER: Box? Oh, no, no, no, it's not in the box.

JERRY: So what _is_ in the box.

KRAMER: Oh, you know… air.

JERRY: It's a box full of air?

KRAMER: Yeah, it's a box full of air. And it's with me because I was wondering if I could keep it here.

JERRY: Why not keep it at your place?

KRAMER: Oh, that'd be too obvious. But no one expects the room across the hall.

JERRY: Let me see this box of air.

KRAMER: Oh, well, sure! (Hands JERRY the LONG, LARGE BOX. Jerry weighs it in his hands)

JERRY: That's some pretty heavy air in there.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah, well it's from, uh, Pittsburgh.

JERRY: Pittsburgh?

KRAMER: Yeah, you know how polluted it is over there, all those pollutants, that's what makes the city's air so heavy!

JERRY: Well, what's so valuable about Pittsburgh air?

KRAMER: Well, it's filled with brotherly love! There's not much more of that kind of love, not with all the gays around! Nothing against _the gays_, but there's nothing brotherly about that love. But Pittsburgh _is_ the city of brotherly love, just guys loving other guys in a non-sexual way. If you suck another guy's dick there, it's still "Just a bro thing".

ELAINE: _Philadelphia_ is the city of brotherly love.

KRAMER: Well, yeah, but Philadelphia needs a brother to have brotherly love. You know what Pittsburgh is?

ELAINE: The brother?

KRAMER: The brother!

JERRY: Oh, brother.

KRAMER: So can I keep it here or not, Jerry.

JERRY: Yeah, you can keep it here.

GEORGE: Hey, are we going to the bathroom or not?!

JERRY: Alright, yeah, let's go.

* * *

(Transition to THE BATHROOM)

JERRY: Well, George, despite everything it's still you.

GEORGE: Would you look at that… there are a few gray hairs popping in.

ELAINE: And it's nothing to worry about!

KRAMER: (A beat) I'm gonna piss.

JERRY: Kramer, at least wait for us to get out.

KRAMER: Well what are you guys waiting for? Get out, then! Go on, shoo!

(Everyone but KRAMER steps out, but George, the last to go, stops at the sound of a voice from the mirror)

MAN IN THE MIRROR: George, wait.

(GEORGE and KRAMER both turn back to the mirror)

GEORGE: Do you see him too?

KRAMER: No. But I thought I heard something.

GEORGE: Get outta here, Kramer. I gotta take a piss.

KRAMER: Hey, but I got here f…

GEORGE: I SAID GET OUT, KRAMER!

KRAMER: Well, jeez, alright! (Heads for the door, then turns back to GEORGE) Y'know, we could always have a two-way…

GEORGE: We are NOT having a two-way piss, Kramer!

KRAMER: Well, alright, I was just suggesting, but if you're not into it, y'know, I'm outta here.

GEORGE: So what are you waiting for? Get the hell outta here!

KRAMER: Well, alright! I'll get the hell outta here! (KRAMER slams the door behind him)(GEORGE looks into the mirror)

* * *

(Cut to JERRY and ELAINE having a meal at RESTAURANT)

JERRY: I'm worried about George.

ELAINE: Why? What's wrong with George?

JERRY: It's the hair thing.

ELAINE: Oh, right, the hair thing.

JERRY: You know, the other day I caught him crying. I asked what it was about, and he just said "My daughters."

ELAINE: He has daughters?

JERRY: No. When I asked him about it, the next thing he said was "I have no daughters. Who said anything about daughters?"

ELAINE: Do you think he might be developing an alternate personality? I saw a documentary about this guy, Vinegar Doppio…

JERRY: Oh, he's not developing an alternate personality. George is just George. He's George!

ELAINE: Except when he's Art Vandelay.

JERRY: Alright, look, whatever's happening here has nothing to do with alternate personalities. Look, here he comes now! (Enter GEORGE, walking in with a slender cane with a handle resembling the grip of a rapier)(He sits with them)

JERRY: What's with the cane?

GEORGE: What cane?

JERRY: What do you mean "What cane?" The cane you came in holding.

GEORGE: (Looks at cane) Where the hell did this come from?

JERRY: That's what we want to know! What's up with the cane?!

GEORGE: I don't know what's up with the cane, Jerry!

ELAINE: Did you get hurt? Are you having trouble walking?

GEORGE: I'm walking fine! I don't know where this cane came from, Elaine! (A beat) It is a pretty nice cane, though.

JERRY: It is. Could probably make a good buck if you sold it to the right person.

GEORGE: I'm not selling it.

JERRY: Why not?

GEORGE: Well, I mean, it's mine. It's my cane, Jerry, and I'm gonna keep it.

JERRY: It's your cane. You didn't even realize you had it until now!

GEORGE: Yeah, well, now that I've realized I have it I'm not gonna let it go!

JERRY: I'm just saying, don't you seem a little too attached to it?

GEORGE: Of course I'm attached to it. It's mine! And besides, when women see a man with a cane, you know what they see? Class. Regardless of how old, ugly, or bald a man is, if he's got a good cane, he's got class. Elaine, what's the first thing you think about a guy walking with a cane?

ELAINE: Trouble walking.

GEORGE: Alright, alright, but what's the second thing?

ELAINE: Blindness?

GEORGE: Come on, third thing.

ELAINE: (Shrugs) Class.

GEORGE: Ya see? Class. If I've got this cane, I've got class. I'm like a, I'm like a bona fide high class stud now, Jerry, and that's why I need this cane.

JERRY: That's how they get you, George! It starts out with the cane, next it's the co-caine.

GEORGE: Cocaine has class too, it is true. I'm not sure where to find some, but when I do, I'll be completely irresistible, Jerry. Completely. Irresistable.

WAITRESS: (Approaches table. Is JASMINE from the animated movie _Aladdin_, but dressed as a waitress, which she is) Is there anything I can get any of you?

JERRY: I'll just have some water, please.

ELAINE: Coffee.

GEORGE: Ya got any hot chocolate?

JASMINE: We do.

GEORGE: Then I'll have some, please.

JASMINE: Right away! (Exit JASMINE)

JERRY: Hot chocolate?

GEORGE: Yeah?

JERRY: With breakfast?

GEORGE: Yeah?

JERRY: (Gives ELAINE a look) Well, alright!

GEORGE: What, what's the matter with having hot chocolate with breakfast?

JERRY: No, there's nothing the matter with having hot chocolate with breakfast.

GEORGE: Alright, so what's the problem then? Why are you making such a big deal of me having hot chocolate with breakfast?

JERRY: No, there's no big deal, it's just unusual is all. For you.

GEORGE: Maybe I felt like changing things up a bit, huh? How 'bout that?

JASMINE: (Placing drinks) Water for you. Coffee for you. And hot chocolate for the gentleman. (Leaves)

GEORGE: See what I mean? (Pats cane) Class. (Sips hot chocolate) Ah. Damn fine cup of cocoa. Damn fine!

* * *

(Cut back to JERRY's routine at THE COMEDY CLUB)

JERRY: I had a friend, who tragically, is not with us anymore, but I had a friend once who would walk around with a cane. He had no knee problems, no back problems, but he just walked around with this cane he found because he thought it gave him class. Because, as everyone knows, the physically disabled are the classiest of the classy. If you've got a cane, and you open the door for a woman, addressing her as "M'lady", you'd better hope your back's not actually broken with the amount of puss you'll be slammin' later in the night, let me tell you! (No applause) So much puss. Forget the pussycat, you'll be the fucking pussylion! You'll be the Jaime fucking Lannister of puss-slammin'. Or so my friend thought. But every woman he hit on just helped him to cross the road, like a little old lady! But he held onto that cane, I'll tell ya. Held onto it to his last days…

* * *

(Cut back to the apartment. JERRY enters, walks to his fridge and pours himself a drink. He has a sip, then exhales contentedly. KRAMER enters suddenly)

KRAMER: Where's the box?

JERRY: Right there, K-man. Right where you left it!

KRAMER: (Walking to the box) Has it been opened? (Looks at the box. Looks at JERRY) Who opened it? Was it you?

JERRY: I didn't open it. I didn't even notice it was open! Although, now that you mention it, I do sense an unusually high amount of brotherly love in the air at the moment.

KRAMER: Ohhhhhh yeah, the brotherly love. Pittsburgh air, ha ha ha ha! Say, uh… have you seen anyone walking around with a slender, classy looking cane?

JERRY: Now that you mention it, George has been walking around with a new cane recently.

KRAMER: George?

JERRY: Yeah. He's not sure where he got it from, but he's really taken a liking to it.

KRAMER: He must have… got it from this box. (Scratches his head, visibly distraught)

JERRY: Ohhhhhh. So that's what was in the box. You big old liar!

KRAMER: I'm not a liar! There was Pittsburgh air in the box! There was just… also a very specific cane. (Sad sniffle) Why'd it have to be George?

JERRY: Aw, don't worry about it, I'll get him to give you your cane back.

KRAMER: Oh, no, it's his cane alright, not mine. I'll… I'll see ya later, Jerry. (Exit KRAMER)(Enter ELAINE)

ELAINE: What's up with Kramer?

JERRY: Something about the box. And the cane. Oh yeah, and George.

ELAINE: He seemed genuinely upset. (A beat) What the hell is the deal with that cane?

JERRY: I don't know, Elaine. (A beat) I don't know. You know, that's what was really in Kramer's box.

ELAINE: It's Kramer's cane?

JERRY: No, Kramer says it is George's. (A beat)

BOTH: What's the deal with that cane?

* * *

(Transition to GEORGE walking on the street. He bumps into MATT MURDOCK, aka DAREDEVIL, who had been tapping a cane ahead of himself)

GEORGE: Hey pal! What are you, blind? I'm walkin' here!

MURDOCK: (Brushing his chest) As a matter of fact, yes. I am blind. What's your excuse?

GEORGE: You see this cane?

MURDOCK: No.

GEORGE: Well, I'm disabled.

MURDOCK: No you're not.

GEORGE: What did you say?

MURDOCK: You appear to be perfectly fine. I assume you're just walking with that cane because you think it gives you… class?

GEORGE: Oh, if you weren't blind, buddy, I'd… (MURDOCK performs a sweeping kick towards GEORGE's legs, but GEORGE deftly leaps into the air, avoiding the attack, much to GEORGE's surprise)

MURDOCK: Right, you're physically disabled.

GEORGE: Oh, and you're so blind!

MURDOCK: I am. (Punches towards GEORGE's face, but GEORGE grabs him by the wrist and pulls him forward, ducking below his arm and turning, then swinging the cane to deliver a solid strike to MURDOCK's back. MURDOCK stumbles forward a couple steps, then takes a moment to regain his composure.)(Without looking back at GEORGE) Congratulations, asshole. You hit a blind man in public. (Starts walking away)

GEORGE: (Looking around at the accusatory faces of several onlookers) Didn't you see that? He's not blind! (They just shake their heads and walk away. GEORGE clenches his fist and continues walking himself, until he hears a voice from a window beside him)

?: George.

GEORGE: What? (Looks around for the person who addressed him, then his eyes stop at a familiar face in the reflection of a window) Oh, it's you again. Is it because of you that I was able to fight like that?

?: It was. But I must warn you; you shouldn't make a habit of getting into fights like that.

GEORGE: He started it! Ha! Blind man my ass.

?: No matter. If people around you start noticing that you suddenly gained the ability to kick the asses of others, our cover may get compromised.

GEORGE: Cover? Who needs cover? Do I need cover? Who the hell are you, anyways?

?: (The reflection adjusts it's glasses) My name is Ozpin. And there are people out there looking for me, and, by extension, you, George Coztanza.

GEORGE: What? Looking for me? Like, to kill me?

OZPIN: Yes. There's a killer out there, a killer that no one can pin down. No one knows who he is, except for me, with my ability to jump from body to body upon death. He killed me himself, but I saw his face. I know his name. Now, I just need you to bring me somewhere so I can reveal this person's identity to the only people who can stop him. Will you cooperate?

GEORGE: I mean, I guess. (A beat) So, as long as I don't get into too many fights, no one will suspect that I'm harboring you?

OZPIN: Correct.

GEORGE: Alright. (Shrugs) What's the harm in a little adventure? I don't have anything better to do, I suppose. (A beat) What's in it for me?

OZPIN: You shall take my place as the hedmaster of the prestigious school known as Bacon Adademy.

GEORGE: BACON ADADEMY? ME, THE HEDMASTER?

OZPIN: Yes.

GEORGE: I'll be fucking set! Oh, I'm gonna be rich! I assume there are many treasures within a school as prestigious as Bacon Adademy.

OZPIN: More treasure than you can imagine, and more valuable.

GEORGE: (Rubbing his hands together) Ooooooh, I can't wait! I gotta tell Jerry!

OZPIN: It's best if no one knows our secret.

GEORGE: Not even Jerry?

OZPIN: If one person knows, one person can tell someone else. Then multiple people know. That's how information spreads.

GEORGE: I'll tell him not to tell anyone else. Jerry is great at keeping secrets.

OZPIN: If it is your wish to jeopardize our mission like that.

GEORGE: (Thinking a moment) No, you're right. He wouldn't believe me anyways.

OZPIN: Precisely. So just keep everything the way it is, then tomorrow we embark on our journey.

GEORGE: And after everything's done, then I'll tell Jerry.

OZPIN: Indeed. (GEORGE continues walking)

* * *

(JERRY's apartment. Nighttime. JERRY and ELAINE are watching television when KRAMER swoops in through the door.)

KRAMER: Hey, is George coming tonight?

JERRY: He should be here any moment.

KRAMER: (Presses his hair back) Good, good. (Sits down)

ELAINE: Everything alright? You seem a little tense.

KRAMER: Tense?

JERRY: You need some Hennigan's?

KRAMER: You got some?

JERRY: (Standing up) I'll get you some. (Heads to his cupboard and pours KRAMER a glass of scotch, then gives it to him.)

KRAMER: Thanks, Jerry. I appreciate it, I really do.

JERRY: Don't worry about it! (There's a buzz on JERRY's intercom. JERRY walks over and pushes a button) Who is it?

GEORGE: It's George.

JERRY: Come on up! (Pushes other button. KRAMER tenses up and drinks his Hennigans)

KRAMER: No smell… no tell… scotch. (Wigs out a bit) Alright.

ELAINE: What's George been up to today, anyway?

JERRY: Beats me. Probably trying to pick up women with that cane of his.

ELAINE: Ugh, that cane.

KRAMER: That cane… That cane…

ELAINE: Where did you get that cane anyway, Kramer.

KRAMER: Oh, it was given to me.

JERRY: Who gave it to you?

KRAMER: (A beat) Nobody.

ELAINE: Why don't you want to tell us?

KRAMER: No, no no, that's his name! At least… that's what he told me his name was. It could be something like Jim or John, for all I know.

JERRY: So you don't know his name, then.

KRAMER: Nobody knows his name. By that I mean only he knows his name. And also nobody else.

ELAINE: So Nobody _and _nobody.

KRAMER: Exactly.

JERRY: What about Somebody?

KRAMER: Oh, somebody knows his name alright. Somebody that isn't Nobody. (A beat) And that's the problem.

JERRY: Well, why can't Somebody know Nobody's name?

KRAMER: Well, because he's Nobody. Nobody's not supposed to have a name!

ELAINE: I'm getting a headache. (Enter GEORGE, looking happy and excited. KRAMER pretends not to notice him)

KRAMER: Somebody's here.

GEORGE: And his name is George Fucking Coztanza!

JERRY: George, how's it going!

GEORGE: Oh, it's going great, Jerry! I wish I could tell you.

ELAINE: Oh, you can't keep a secret, George.

GEORGE: I know, but this one I gotta! This one I gotta.

KRAMER: (Nervous) Hey, George, you never said whether or not you wanted that gray hair solution the other day.

GEORGE: The gray hair… Oh, that's right! Yeah, I'll be needing that!

ELAINE: It a girl?

GEORGE: Oh, it's gonna be many girls, Elaine. Many, many girls.

KRAMER: (Standing up) Alright, George, I've got the stuff right here. (Starts approaching GEORGE)

JERRY: (Rolling his eyes) More snake oil.

KRAMER: No, no, this isn't snake oil, Jerry. This will cure George's hair problem once and for all! This is the fountain of youth for hair!

GEORGE: (Rubbing his hands together) Oh, I'm ready to wash what few hairs I have in the fountain of youth!

KRAMER: Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? Now before I give it to you, I'll tell you how to use it.

GEORGE: Alright, give it to me straight.

KRAMER: (Looking for something in his pocket) You'll have to apply it twice a day.

GEORGE: Uh huh…

KRAMER: Spend no more than five minutes on each application, and don't be too rough. Now, after the gel is thoroughly spread, you'll want to… (KRAMER quickly draws a knife and stabs it into GEORGE's gut. JERRY and ELAINE can't see. GEORGE looks at KRAMER in painful shock, unable to speak) wash it thoroughly. I know you don't have much hair to begin with, but… (Stabs again)

GEORGE: (Wordlessly mouthing the name) Kramer…

KRAMER: …that just means it won't be too difficult, you know. And, one more thing… (Stabs one last time) …I'm sorry, man.

ELAINE: Hey, what are you doing over there?

JERRY: Looks kinda like he's jerking him off to me. (KRAMER steps back)(GEORGE collapses to the ground) Wow, he jerked him off real hard! Look, he is doing the cum all over the floor! (GEORGE's blood begins to pool on the floor, out from under him)

ELAINE: Wait, Jerry, that is not the semen! That is the blood! (KRAMER turns around slowly to face JERRY and ELAINE, the bloody knife still out in front of him. JERRY and ELAINE are speechless. KRAMER drops the knife, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handgun.)

KRAMER: Jerry, we're going to your car. All of us.

JERRY: (Putting his hands over his head) What did you do it for, Kramer?

KRAMER: Shut up. We're going to your fucking car. (Backs to the open doorway, keeping his gun pointed at JERRY and ELAINE, then calls back over his shoulder.) NEWMAN! (Enter NEWMAN with a smile on his face.)

NEWMAN: Yes, Kramer?

KRAMER: You know what to do.

NEWMAN: Right. Stash George's body into my mail truck and deliver him to his parents.

KRAMER: (Nodding) They'll want the body. They'll want to give him a proper funeral.

NEWMAN: So they'll give him a proper funeral.

KRAMER: (Picking up OZPIN's cane) So they'll give him a proper funeral. Oh, and, uh, make sure his nipples end up at the address I gave you.

NEWMAN: Of course! (Looking at Jerry with an unwavering grin) Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: (Clenching his fist) Newman…

KRAMER: Alright, let's go! (And so they go)

* * *

(Back to JERRY at THE COMEDY CLUB)

JERRY: Here's the thing about killing another human being…

(Camera cuts to a table in the audience, where RUBY, WEISS, BLAKE, and YANG are sitting)

YANG: Confession time…

RUBY: He's totally the niplord.

JERRY: It's awful. You know, standing in front of you is this guy, this wonderful guy, who's always been so full of life, someone who's made your own so much better, so much funnier, and then the next moment, he's not there anymore. The body's still there, and it still looks like the person who once inhabited it, but your friend is gone. The body is only an object now. A lifeless object. And an object can't make jokes. An object can't get you caught in the middle of its poorly made plans, and then take part in the antics that follow. An object can't really be your friend. It's just an object. It just is. (A beat as JERRY wipes a tear from his eye) I'm sorry, that wasn't really a joke, but…

YANG: (Standing up) Hey, why do you cut their nipples off?!

JERRY: What?

RUBY: (Standing up) Why do you cut their nipples off when you kill them?!

JERRY: I… I haven't cut anyone's nipples off… I shot a guy, but…

WEISS: (Standing up) Forget why you cut their nipples off! Why are you killing them in the first place?

JERRY: Them? There's only been… Look, can I just get back to the jokes, please?

BLAKE: (Standing up) No, I think we've heard enough of your jokes!

JERRY: How about this one? What's up with airline food? (A beat as the audience starts to boo) Boners, that's what! (The audience begins to stand up, booing even louder. Some start throwing things up at the stage)(Grows quieter, and starting to sob) Boners. Ha ha ha. That's what… Boners… (Begins to sink to the floor) Boners…

* * *

(Cut to JERRY's car, with KRAMER driving through the pouring rain, JERRY in the passenger seat, and ELAINE in the back. Through the passenger's side windows, sand dunes are visible. They are near the ocean. Up to this point, most of the car ride has been in uncomfortable, tense silence. Everyone's eyes are red from crying)

JERRY: Did you have to kill him, Kramer?

KRAMER: Yes. That's what Nobody wants. Ozpin, the one who possessed George, has the ability to have his soul jump from one person to the next and act as a sort of Soul Dad to each host. And the problem is that Ozpin knows who Nobody is, so Nobody wants me to keep killing this guy until he's found a host that can't speak to anyone.

JERRY: So you're a hitman now!

KRAMER: In a manner of speaking, yes.

ELAINE: There is no "In a manner of speaking", Kramer! You _are _a hitman!

KRAMER: Alright, fine, I am a hitman! The words right outta my mouth! There, are you happy now?! (Silence)

JERRY: So where are you taking us, Kramer?

KRAMER: Away from the scene of the crime. Away from our old lives. We're on the run now, Jerry. For the time be... (KRAMER shrieks as he looks in the rear view mirror. The camera cuts to an angle over his shoulder to reveal OZPIN in KRAMER's reflection, expressionless, his eyes concealed by the light hitting his glasses. Everyone screams as KRAMER veers off the road. The car rolls over a few times, and then the screen goes black for a few moments. Then, slowly, the scene takes on the first person perspective of JERRY as he fades back into consciousness, eyes slowly opening, blinking a few times along the way, until they're fully open and he takes in the scene. The rest of the world is upside down. Or rather, the car is upside down, and JERRY is hanging from his seatbelt. He reaches for the buckle and unbuckles himself, sending himself to the roof of the car, down to the ground with a grunt. He looks off to the side and sees ELAINE lying in a pool of her own blood, face down, out by the roadside. A gun is on the ground right outside the driver's side door. JERRY crawls that way, grabs the gun, and struggles up onto his two feet.

JERRY: Kramer… (He looks down and sees a trail of blood leading towards the sand dunes. He shouts through the rain.) Kramer! (Thunder cracks as lightning strikes the unseen ocean) KRAMER! (He follows the trail of blood over the dunes and towards the ocean, shouting KRAMER's name as the rain pours around him. Down at the water's edge he finds KRAMER, looking to the ocean, arms outstretched, welcoming the tempest. In his right hand he holds OZPIN's cane)(Pointing the gun at KRAMER) Kramer!

KRAMER: You know, Jerry. I used to think my life was a comedy. Turns out, it's a fucking tragedy! (Slowly turns around and faces his old friend) Oh, good, you brought the gun. I was worried I'd have to tell you to go back and get it.

JERRY: Go back… and get it?

KRAMER: Well, yeah. Can't really shoot me to death without a gun, can you?

JERRY: (Easing the gun down) You want me… to shoot you?

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

JERRY: Why don't I throw it to you and you can shoot yourself?

KRAMER: No, I can't do that, Jerry! I could never harm anything as beautiful as my face! (Raises an eyebrow seductively, then breaks into tears) He's inside me, Jerry, and I can't get him out of me!

JERRY: Who's inside you?

KRAMER: Ozpin!

JERRY: I thought he was inside George!

KRAMER: He jumps from person to person at death, and only inhabits the souls of those who have Oz in their name. He was George COZtanza. I'm COZmo Kramer. I don't want to die, Jerry, but I can't live with him inside me! (He cries) What has this all been for, Jerry? If I didn't kill George, Nobody would have killed me! But now that George is dead, I have to die anyways. Could it be fate? (A beat) Do you believe in fate, Jerry?

JERRY: I believe that we'll all end up going where we're supposed to, eventually.

KRAMER: Well, I believe in fate. You know, I played a game called Tarot once, down at the Foxwoods Casino. (Looks up to JERRY with a sad smile) I won.

JERRY: You can't win at Tarot, Kramer.

KRAMER: Can't you?

JERRY: I don't know. I never really understood Tarot.

KRAMER: That makes you the winner, Jerry. Now, here, claim your victory.

JERRY: (Raises the gun, brings his finger towards the trigger, then brings it back down in hesitation) This is my victory? I… I don't want to shoot you, Kramer!

KRAMER: Come on, do it! You saw me gut George like a pig! You saw Elaine by the side of the road! I'm a bad man, Jerry! And I want to die! SO COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!? COME ON! KILL ME!

JERRY: You're my friend, Kramer!

KRAMER: And I'm your's, Jerry! But we've all got to go sometime! Besides, if you don't kill me now, Nobody will!

JERRY: Kramer…

KRAMER: I'll smell like the beach, Jerry. My body will smell like the beach, forever and ever. You remember that, Jerry?

JERRY: (Cracking a smile) The cologne…

KRAMER: Calvin Klein can't take this away from me.

JERRY: (A beat) You're sure?

KRAMER: I'm ready.

JERRY: (Raising the gun) Goodbye, K-man.

KRAMER: Goodbye, Jerry.

(JERRY pulls the trigger. As the first gunshot goes off, the "Live Air" version of the song "Shallows" by Daughter starts playing in the background. KRAMER staggers back, holding a hand to his chest. He brings it in front of his face and looks at the blood covering it. JERRY fires again, and once more KRAMER staggers back. He looks up at JERRY with a pained smile, then points up and behind JERRY to some point in the sky. JERRY screams at the rain as he shoots one last time, and KRAMER stumbles and falls back into the water. JERRY hurls the gun into the ocean and falls to his knees, crying. He looks up and sees the waves start to carry KRAMER's body away.)

JERRY: KRAMER! (JERRY runs into the waves and falls onto KRAMER's body, giving his friend one last embrace. He's soaked in blood and seawater as he lets the waves crash over them, the camera zooming out from above them. Further ahead of them, OZPIN's cane is carried away by the ocean…)

(Cut to the car wreck by the roadside. The camera is behind the car, with JERRY visible in the frame, walking towards it. He walks over to ELAINE, still lying by the side of the road, still covered in her own blood. He calmly kneels beside her, then puts a hand to her neck, checking for a pulse. JERRY smiles)

JERRY: Elaine… (No response. He lightly taps her on the cheek) Elaine. (ELAINE's eyes squint, and she looks up at JERRY)

ELAINE: Wh… where…

JERRY: It's alright, Elaine. It's over.

ELAINE: K… Kramer?

JERRY: (A beat) He's not with us anymore.

ELAINE: I… I see… (She tries to pick herself up, but her arms give out beneath her, her face splashing into a puddle)

JERRY: Hey, Elaine! (Helps her sit up)

ELAINE: I… I can't feel my legs, Jerry…

JERRY: You can't move them at all?

ELAINE: No, they're… they're completely unresponsive.

JERRY: Well, Elaine… I guess that makes you… E-lame.

ELAINE: E… Oh, you ass! (She hits him playfully. They both laugh as the camera zooms out from them.)

* * *

(Cut to a shot of JERRY from behind a pair of gravestones. JERRY looks at the gravestones with a smile on his face and flowers in his hand. He looks to the left as ELAINE enters the scene in a wheelchair, also carrying flowers. They smile. JERRY places flowers on the grave to the right, and ELAINE puts her flowers on the grave to the left. JERRY wipes tears from his eyes. ELAINE looks at him, and he breaks down in tears. ELAINE rolls next to him and hugs his arm as the scene fades back to JERRY's routine at THE COMEDY CLUB)

HECKLER 1: Jerry Seinfeld? More like Jerry SADFELD! (Throws tomato)

HECKLER 2: My dog can make better jokes than you, and he's just a regular dog!

HECKLER 3: Knock knock. Who's there? A guy with no career!

JERRY: I… I… (A beat) I have one last joke. And don't worry, it's a good one.

HECKLER 1: If you had a good joke the entire time, what the FUCK was the rest of this routine?

JERRY: One moment… (Goes backstage, then returns with a rope) Well how do you like that, I've got rope! (Throws it over a beam on the ceiling and begins tying a noose with the dangling end. He ties the other end around the handle of the door offstage. He looks around the stage at everything that's been thrown at him.) Hey, anyone want to throw a chair at me? (JERRY is bombarded by a bunch of chairs. One clobbers him in the head, sending him staggering backwards a little bit. He rubs his head in pain.) Thanks! (He puts a chair beneath the noose he tied, stands on it, and takes his shirt off. RUBY gasps)

RUBY: His nipples…

YANG: They're still there!

JERRY: I'm not going to kill anyone ever again, and that bastard's NOT taking my nipples. This… (He begins to cry, completely broken) This is the way it has to be…

RUBY: He's not the Niplord… (JERRY steps off the chair. The noose tightens around but does not break his neck, leaving him dangling, clawing at the rope as he chokes for air.)

HECKLER 1: BOOOO!

HECKLER 2: I'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE!

HECKLER 3: YOU'RE REALLY LEAVING US HANGING FOR THE PUNCHLINE!

JERRY: (As JERRY struggles, the face of JERRY SEINFELD is superimposed over the scene, looking out towards the camera. Calmly and slowly he says)

We

Live

Inside

A

Meme

(The face fades away)

(The members of Team RWBY look at each other, then Ruby heads towards the front of the audience. She holds out a hand, materializes her scythe, GRACEFUL DAHLIA, and cuts the rope, causing JERRY to fall to the floor. The angry audience begins to leave as she checks for a pulse. There is none. Next to JERRY, however, is a folded piece of paper. She picks it up and unfolds it. It's a message, which reads "Pick up where your friend left off. Kill those that carry the soul of Ozpin, or have your nipples severed and enjoy a slow death. –Nobody" RUBY drops the letter. Her friends approach her.)

RUBY: We had the wrong guy.

BLAKE: This… this is our fault, isn't it.

RUBY: Not entirely. He wasn't the Niplord, but the Niplord did have him on his strings. And he wanted to be cut free from those strings.

WEISS: I feel awful.

YANG: Is he… (RUBY just nods. YANG looks away)

BLAKE: He knew something, didn't he…

RUBY: But now, we'll never know what he knew.

?: There is one way to save him. (They all look back and see MULAN from the animated film _Mulan_ approaching them)("Laura Palmer's Theme" from _Twin Peaks_ begins playing in the background)

RUBY: Who are you?

MULAN: My name is Mulan. (Kneels beside JERRY and holds a hand over his chest. A light glows on her hand and his chest) Just as I thought. He holds the Animated Connection.

YANG: The… what?

MULAN: You can bring him back to life if you inject him with a substance known as The Ink.

RUBY: The… Ink?

MULAN: Yes, the ink that Walt Disney used to birth the Animated People. The ink that animators still use to bring us to life.

WEISS: How do we get that?

MULAN: Well, you can infiltrate the Disney Company HQ and try to steal some of it.

RUBY: That sounds… difficult.

MULAN: It would be. There is a second option, though. You can get it right from the source.

YANG: The source?

MULAN: (Nodding) He lives in this area. I was looking for him myself.

WEISS: So you want us to help you look for him?

MULAN: Yes. I've been looking for a long time, and all the evidence I've found has led me here.

RUBY: What's his name?

MULAN: (Shaking her head) I don't know. But he's here. In fact, I think he's already taken your friend with him. (RUBY, YANG, and WEISS look around)

RUBY: Wait a minute… Where did Blake go? ("Laura Palmer's" theme continues playing in the background as the credits play)

END of SEINFELD

* * *

(Post Credit's scene)

(Written in large letters across a shot of a coastline) THE AFRICAN COAST

(There are various nature shots of the African coast. All is calm. Waves lightly crash onto the shore. The wind blows the leaves of palm trees. Everything is bathed in the warm sunlight of a bright sun. The camera cuts to a lone ostrich, walking across the shore. He's a long way from the savannah, but something has brought him here. He stops walking. The camera cuts to a shot of his feet. In front of his feet lies OZPIN's cane)

OZZY THE OSTRICH: HONK! (Picks up the cane and walks away. OZPIN's reflection is briefly seen in the water)

TO BE CONTINUED


	7. CH 7: SQUIDWARD TENTACLE-HENTAI

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 7: SQUIDWARD TENTACLE-HENTAI ~ A DAY IN THE LIFE**

* * *

"I'm glad you're not wearing pants," Captain Buggy the Clown said with a smile. "That'll make it easier for me to fuck you up the butthole."

"Ooooh, up the butthole?" Squidward moaned.

"Up the butthole," said Buggy the Clown. "Buggy-balls deep."

"Buggy-balls deep?"

"Hell yeah, baby," said Buggy the Clown. He pulled down his pants, exposing his thicc, blue veined cock.

"It matches my skin tone," said Squidward the blue-ass squid. "That's fucking hot."

"You know it is, baby," said Buggy the Clown. "Now bend over so I can make my carpet match the drapes of your bootyhole."

"Yes captain," Squidward said with a blush. He bent over, allowing Captain Buggy to insert his pingus-azul into his behind.

"You like that, bitch?" Buggy the Clwon asked as he reamed Squidward's squidhole and slapped him on his wee little bum.

"Yeah, baby," Squidward sang. "Honk my nose while you impanus me."

"Yeah, I'll honk your fycjing nose," said Buggy the Clwon. He beng forward, impanusing Squidward even deeper as he did so, so that his hand could reach Squidward's big old honk-nose. He honked the honk-nose, giving the Squidward the honk with the moan, and they fooked very good like.

"Honk honk!" say Squidward pleasuredly as Buggy continue to impanus him.

"Ugh, I'm getting too close," said Buggy the fucking Clown, removing he pingus from le epic Squidhole. "I can't nut until I've shown you my ultimate technique of fuck!"

"Your ultimatate technique of fuck?!" said Squidward.

"Indeed!" Buggy said, standing before the squidman with peen erectus. "As a creature of the sea you must surely have heard of the mythical Devil Fruits!"

"I have. But they're just a myth!" said Squidward.

"No," said Buggy. "They are not. Fellatio me, squidman!"

"Alright," said Squidward, and he began to fellatio the Clown, sucing shaft as the fondling of the Buggy Balls occurred. The clownman cackled.

"It is the time for the DEEPTHROAT, Squidman!" exclaim the clown, and Squidwardman pressed the cack as far he could within the throat, then was shocked when it went even furtherer! He swallowed the peen whole and it travelled down his throat, allthewhile Buggyman was moaning harder than Squidward had heard anyone moan before.

"Oh dear," said Buggy's penis. "I appear to have ended up within the stomach of the Squidman! I hope that I am not dissolved by the acids of the stomach!"

"Worry not, clown-cock!" said the old bearded man who lived within Squidward's stomach.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked the penis.

"My name is not important," said Moses. "The important thing is that I shall grant you safe passage. Check this shit out!" He raised his hands and the seas of stomach acids parted. "Go, and fullful your quest!"

"Thank you, mysterious biblical man!" the penis said, and he went through the parted seas and began the descent through the dark, foreboding tunnels of the small and large intestines.

"I am very afraid," Buggy's Penis said to himself in the darkness. "It is very dark in here." He heard a squishy sound and felt the walls close in on him. "Oh Godchris, what was that?!"

"Do not be afraid," Buggy's voice echoed through the mind of Buggy's Penis. "You are almost there. Do you see a light?"

"Yes, I do," said Buggy's Penis. "I see a light at the end of the tunnel!"

"Go towards the light," came Buggy's voice. "Go to the light and fulfill your destiny!"

"I shall carry on!" said Buggy's Penis, and so he continued through the dark tunnel, the light growing brighter and brighter, hurting the approximation of what eyes would be if a penis could have eyes.

Imagine, for a second, what it would be like if penises had eyes. Perhaps they would be little, beady dots on the penishead, looking out and in. But then, what if the penis wasn't circumcised? Well, perhaps in a world where penises had eyes, circumcision would be a necessity, to let the little guys see clearly. Or maybe the foreskins would work like eyelids, for our eyes are not open all the time. We close them, we blink. Perhaps, in this world, the foreskin would work like a third eyelid, blinking and closing whenever those beady little bumps on the penishead needed moisturization. Flies would always be down, dicks always out. No one has eyes on the back of their head, but perhaps if someone had a member long enough, they could tuck it beneath the grundle and, in that manner, be able to see behind themselves. But I digress. Buggy's Penis did not have eyes in this manner, but could still see in some way that our minds cannot fully imagine, which does not rely on light particles traveling through a lens and into a neural receptor. In this way, Buggy's Penis saw the light grow brighter and brighter, larger and larger, until…

"Oh yeeeeeah," said Buggy. "Now turn that sweet ass around, Squidwhore,"

"Yes, daddy," said Squidward, and he turned around and bent forward. Captain Buggy the Clown got on his knees so that Squidward's spread asscheeks were right in his face.

"Ooooooh, I think I'm gonna shit!" Squidward exclaimed.

"Almost, but it won't be shit," Buggy said, clearly hanging on the edge. Suddenly, Buggy's bellend peeked out from within Squidwards supple anal cavity.

"Ooooh FUCK!" Captain Buggy exclaimed, and, in three strong blasts and a few afterthrobs, he came all over his own face with his own penis which was still lodged inside of Squidward's puckery anus.

"Fuck," Captain Buggy said. His penis came all the way out of Squidward's ass and reattached itself to his crotch. "That, my friend," he said, licking a thick, plump cumtrain from his lips, "Is the power of the Cut-Cut Fruit."

"Oh, daddy," Squidward said, collapsing onto the floor. "And what a power it is!"

"Heh!" said Captain Buggy. He stood up, put his clothes on, and pulled his wallet out of his pocket. "Here's your pay, baby," he said, making it rain cash onto Squidward's panting, erotically squidish form. The rise of his rear almost made Buggy erect again. "I'll see you next time," he said as he stepped out the door.

Squidward sat up, brushing the cash off of himself, then looked directly at the camera. "Hello," he said. "My name is Squidward Tentacle-Hentai. Now, you might be thinking I'm a pornstar. And, I guess, since this is a video tape, this IS a pornographic film, but in actuality I am a prostitute." He stood up and walked over to the counter, where there was a glass of water. He took a small sip, then resumed. "Now, you may be thinking, 'Prostitution is illegal, and this squid just taped himself in the act!' That… would be where you were wrong. You see, I was payed to have sex with that clown man, but, since I videotaped it for other people to enjoy, it is completely legal pornography, not completely illegal prostitution. If you think that's bullshit, you're right! And that's why we at sexworkisworkdotorg have put together this PSA, because it bullshit! If I didn't film that man's penis coming out of my angus, that would have been a very illegal reverse-penetration! So be sure to go to the polls and vote 'YES' on the query as to whether or not to legalize prostitution. And who knows; maybe you'll hire a squid like me some day!" Squidward winked at the camera and blew a tentacle kiss, then the tape ended.

"What the ever-loving fuck was that?!" Solidus Snake exclaimed.

* * *

HENTAIDOTCOM HQ, LONDON, ENGLAND

"That," began Mr. Krabs, "Is the PSA that the group I represent would like you to run on your website."

"Who the hell was that squidman?" asked Solidus Snake. "What was his name… Squidwhore?"

"Squidward," said Mr. Krabs. "Me client."

"Your… client," said Solidus Snake. "So, in other words, you're his pimp."

"Pimp?" said Mr. Krabs. "Oh, I wouldn't call meself that. I'm a priest, good sir. A priest and a shrewd businessman."

"Pimp and the Priest," muttered Solidus Snake. "Well, Mr. Krabs, that PSA was pretty fucking weird, but we've got the time if you've got the scratch."

"One million dollars," said Mr. Krabs.

Solidus Snake raised his eyebrows. "Sold."

Mr. Krabs bid Solidus farewell, then pulled out his cellphone in the hallway, dialed a number, and held the phone to his crab-ear.

"Squidward speaking," Squidward said on the other end.

"Hello, Mr. Squidward," said Mr. Krabs.

"Mr. Krabs," said Squidward. "How did it go?"

"It sold!" said Mr. Krabs. "One million dollars!"

"That's great!" said Squidward. "My poor blind cat will be so happy with the toys I'm going to buy her!"

"Aye, you should be able to get a toy or two for her for sure, Mr. Squidward."

"What do you mean by 'a toy or two'?" asked Squidward.

"Well, you'll only be getting a hundred dollars out of this, Mr. Squidward."

"What?!"

"Aye, I know that in our contract it was agreed that you'd get a third of the share, but that contract got a little burned to ashes, meaning it is no longer legally binding, meaning you're only getting a hundred dollars."

"Are you…"

"Look, Mr. Squidward, if your profession gets legalized, think of how much more money I'll, you'll, be making. Why, ye won't even miss the $332,900 that I cheated, erm, that the fire robbed you of. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a summit with the Pope later on today, and I needs not be late for that. I'll be back soon, Mr. Squidward."

Squidward hung up the phone, stare blank and in shock. "My poor blind cat," he said, falling to the floor, back against the wall. "I promised to get her so many toys. But now…" there was scratching at the door across the room from him. "Oh no…" he said. He started to cry. Then he got up and walked to the door, putting one tentacle to it. "Don't worry, sweet little kitten. I'll make sure I get every penny I was promised, so I can fulfill my promise to you." The scratching on the door continued as Squidward stepped through another door to the outside.

Squidward walked to his favorite diner, ordered himself coffee, eggs, and sausage, and enjoyed his breakfast, all the while eavesdropping on the conversation three girls were having behind him.

"Where do we start looking?" asked the first girl.

"I don't know," said the second. "Hey, is Qrow awake yet?"

"No, net yet. But I'm not sure this is connected to the Niplord anyways."

"Are you kidding?" said the third girl. "Of course Blake's disappearance is connected to the Niplord! We're hot on this guy's trail, and suddenly one of us goes missing?"

"Settle down," said the second girl. "We don't want to make a scene. The killer could be anywhere. Could be anyone!" The third girl grunted, and there was silence for a few moments.

"How's your omelet?" the second girl asked.

"It's good," said the third girl.

_They seem to be looking for a lost friend_, Squidward thought. _I can sympathize with that. If I were ever to lose my poor, blind cat, I would be devastated._ Squidward finished his breakfast, then went back outside.

"Hey, stranger," came a familiar, sultry voice. He turned and saw Cinder walking towards him. She stroked his chest over his chad-ass brown t-shirt, then gave his nose a honk. "Are you open tonight? Because if you are, I am VERY open."

"Oh I'm open tonight," said Squidward the fucking Squid. "You know the place. 69 minutes after midnight."

"I'll be there, and so will my asshole which is of perfect size for you to do whacky things with the suction cups of which are on your many tentacles," said Cinder.

"Oh, I love it when you talk like that," said Squidward, grabbing her asscheek and walking away. Squidward wears no pants, so his big old erection was just out in the open. And it was very, very impressive, causing many to run away in absolute terror.

Squidward walked to the small pet store around the corner and looked through the window with sadness in his eyes. On the top shelf of the display was a small, yarn, gold colored mouse, labelled as "THE ULTIMATE CAT TOY – GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOUR PUSSY PUR. $101." Squidward sighed and turned his face to the ground, walking forward.

Squidward walked to the local grocer, then headed straight for the seafood section. He looked at the tank of crabs, at the little crabs crawling around that replication of the ocean floor.

"I'll take that one," Squidward told the seafood man. The man grabbed a small plastic container, reached into the crab tank with a long pair of crab-tongs, removing the chosen one, binding it's claws, and putting it into the container, with a little water for company.

Squidward returned home later that evening. He set his crab on the counter and just watched it for a little while. Not much happened; it just kind of stared back at him. Occasionally it would try to click it's claws, but it couldn't because of the binding.

Squidward stood up with a grunt, then headed for the kitchen. He poured water into a pot, then set that pot to boil. Once the water was boiling, he returned to the crab. He picked up it's container and brought it into the kitchen. He turned the container towards the pot, so the crab would know where it was going, and opened the lid. Squidward grabbed the crab with a pair of crab-tongs and held it over the boiling water, looking into its eyes as he dropped it into the boiling abyss. Steam rose from the pot as his dinner cooked alive. Squidward reached back in with the crab tongs and pulled the crab (now deceased) from the water. He tore off one of its claws, then walked to the door where he kept his poor, blind cat. He unlocked and opened the door a crack, then tossed the claw into the room, shutting and locking the door again before the cat rammed into the door.

"Don't worry, my darling," said Squidward. "I'll fulfill my promise. I will, I promise!" Then he sat at his dining room table and ate the rest of the crab. When he was finished he went on his computer and started searching for giant, boiling vats of water on Amazon. When he found one he liked there was a knock on the door. He looked at the time in the corner of his computer screen. 12:69 o'clock. She was right on time.

Squidward opened the door. Cinder was standing there, a smirk on her face. Sqiudward noticed she had two boobs.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. CH 8: WEISS DRINKS A GLASS OF MILK

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 8: WEISS DRINKS A GLASS OF MILK**

* * *

"Just one more cadaver to put away, then we're all good for the night," said Albert Wesker the mortician.

"Sounds good to me," said Chris Redfield, putting down his copy of _Cloud Mows the Lawn: An Erotic True Story by Tifa Lockhart_. A pair of interns brought in the final cadaver and placed it on the examination table.

"Holy shit!" said Chris Redfield.

"What is it?" asked Albert Wesker.

"It's Jerry Seinfeld!"

"Ah, shit, that's right," said Wesker. "I gotta remember to leave a note on this one."

"Do you…" Chris began, "Do you think I can get an autograph?"

"It's a fucking corpse," said Wesker. "Of course you can't!"

"Oh yeah?" said Chris, "Then how do you explain this?" Chris Redfield cracked open Jerry Seinfeld's hand, now stiff from rigor mortis, and stuck a pen within its grip. He then took a piece of paper and guided the hand of what was once Jerry Seinfeld to sign it, the arm cracking with each rigid motion. The outcome was a series of scribbles that almost resembled the name "Jerry," although it looked a little closer to saying "Jerv."

"Jesus, Chris," Albert Wesker said, taking a couple notes on his clipboard.

"My most prized possession…" Chris Redfield said, looking at his "autograph" with pride. He put it in his pocket, then returned to an attitude of professionality. "Are you almost ready to go?"

"Almost," said Albert Wesker. He didn't look up from his clipboard when he said "Hey, I've been wondering. Were you named after who I think you were named after?"

"If you think I was named after the Godchris, Christopher Rangel, then you would be correct," said Chris Redfield from the beloved Survival Horror video game franchise _Resident Evil_. "My mommy knew I was special when I was born, and so gave me the name of a literal God. And there were times where I went by the name 'Chris R.', to make people be like 'Hey, could it be, literal God?' But those were the bad times. Back then, I was into dealing drugs and shit like that."

"Uh huh," said Wesker, half listening as he filled out the paperwork.

"I acted all tough, roughing people up and asking 'Where's my fucking money, Denny?!' But those days are behind me. I cleaned up, got my shit together, and now here I am with a more legitimate job."

"Proub of you, bub," said Wesker. He put down the clip board and said, "Alright, let's get him in there."

"Right," said Chris. Together, they hoisted the body of Jerry Seinfeld up and into the morgue freezer, then pushed it closed. Albert Wesker wrote "Do Not Dispose or commit necrophilia upon" on a sticky note and attached it to Seinfeld's drawer.

"Alright," said Wesker. "We're done here."

* * *

Cinder fingered circles around Squidward's chest as they lay together, partially (and tastefully) beneath the blankets of Squidward's king sized bed, the first lights of dawn breaking through the window and upon them. Squidward still had several of his tentacles within several of Cinder's orifices.

"My," said Cinder. "That was our best time yet."

"One of the benefits of being a returning customer," Squidward said with a smile, "Is it keeps getting better and better."

"Apparently," said Cinder. She sank a little further into the mattress, which pushed one of Squidward's tentacles further between her asscheeks. "You've been happier than usual recently, I've noticed. Anything happen recently?"

"Listen," said Squidward, putting a tentacle to his lips. Cinder stopped talking, and they both listened to the silence that surrounded them. "That is the sound of silence. It's an odd sound to hear around here, isn't it?"

"That's right," said Cinder. "Your neighbors made such a racket the last times."

"But not this time," Squidward said, sitting up with a wistful smile. "Not for a long time."

"Oh shit, that's right," said Cinder. "The Spongecum Incident."

"Executed immediately by Gandalf the White," said Squidward. "So the documentaries say."

"So that's why you're so happy," said Cinder.

"Overall, yeah," said Squidward. "Still, a part of me is a bit sad."

"Oh?" said Cinder.

"Yeah," said Squidward. "Most people don't really know this, but the three of us, me, Spongebob, and Patrick… we were all half-brothers. Sons of Cthulhu. But now I'm the only one left, the last piece of our father that exists on this plane of reality. When I'm gone… well, who knows what'll happen?"

"Well, I hope you don't go too soon," said Cinder.

"I appreciate it," said Squidward. He gave Cinder a big old squiddy kiss on the cheek. "That one was free of charge."

"Ha, thanks," said Cinder. There was some scratching on the cat door. "What was that?"

"What was what?" asked Squidward.

"There was a scratching sound on the door."

"I didn't hear it," said Squidward. The scratching returned, louder this time. "Oh, that's the cat."

"You have a cat now?" said Cinder. "I'd like to see it."

Squidward squinted his eyes. "I think it's time for you to go."

"Is there some reason you don't want me to see your cat?"

"She's blind," said Squidward. "And shouldn't be disturbed."

"Come on," said Cinder. "Just one peak."

"No," said Squidward.

"Is there something you're trying to hide?"

Squidward hesitated a moment before saying "No."

"Then what's the problem?" Squidward remained silent. "Come on, if you're trying to keep some sort of secret, you know I won't tell. Let me see it."

"Fine," said Squidward. "So long as you promise not to say anything about what you see."

"I promise," said Cinder.

"Alright," said Squidward. He got out of bed, his squidcock blowing in the wind of the draft. He walked to the cat door, Cinder walking behind him. He opened the door for Cinder to look in. Her eyes widened and she began to laugh.

"Oh my Godchris," said Cinder, chuckling. "That's perfect!" Her laugh cut the silence of the waking morning.

* * *

"Ruby…" Yang's voice came. "Ruby!"

"What?!" Ruby yelled back.

"You overslept! If you're late to class, Professor Port will try to fucking kill you!"

"Fuck, that's right!" said Ruby. She sniffed the air. Something smelled rather funky. "Where's Weiss?"

"She's already on her way there!"

"Oh…" said Ruby. She sat up. "Hey, what's that?"

"That?" Yang asked. She saw that her sister was pointing to a glass of milk that was left sitting beneath a bright desk lamp. "Oh, that. Weiss poured that, then decided she'd save it later. It's gonna cause one stank shit. Damn, I'm wet already." She turned back to Ruby. "Uh, yeah. So go get your ass in gear!"

"Got it!" said Ruby. Yang left the room, and Ruby got up and looked at the glass of milk. It was already starting to chunk up. She touched the glass. Not cold at all. "Fuck! Stay focused, Ruby. Stay focused," she said to herself, and she got ready to go as fast as she could, then left.

She ran across the campus of Bacon Adademy, her feet pounding against the ground like a horse cock pound-a-de horse puss, mon! In other words: hard.

"Where the fuck do you think you're goin', McRose?" came an antagonizing voice from behind her. She stopped and turned around and saw Biff Tannen standing there, arms crossed, goons to either side of him.

"Oh great," said Ruby. "You."

"You didn't answer my question," Biff Tannen said, taking a step forward. "I said, where the fuck do you think you're goin', McRose?"

"I'm trying to get to class, Biff," said Ruby. "I'm running late."

"Oh fuck," said Biff, stepping back. "Ya, my bad, get to class. Don't get yourself killed, lmao."

"Thanks, Biff," said Ruby. "I'll remember this." Biff Tannen and his goons waved her goodbye as she continued her epic quest to class.

Professor Port stood at the front of the room, clock ticking in his hand. Ruby suddenly burst through the doors and took her seat next to Pyrrha. Professor Port's clock went "Ding," and he dropped it into his pocket. He looked around the class.

"Looks like everyone made it on time," the Professor said. He sighed with disappointment, saying "Aw man. Well, on to today's lecture!"

"You had me worried," Pyrrha said.

"Sorry," said Ruby. "Overslept."

"I understand. Just… please. I don't want to lose another friend."

"Right," said Ruby. She started pretending to take notes. Cinder was listening in from a couple rows back.

"Any word on where Blake is?" asked Pyrrha.

"Not yet," said Ruby. Cinder smirked behind them.

"They'll never find her," Cinder whispered to Emerald.

"What are you talking about?" Emerald whispered back.

"Oh, y'know," said Cinder. "Were… you weren't eavesdropping on Ruby's conversation were you."

"Of course not," said Emerald. "Why the hell would I be eavesdropping on Ruby's conversation, I don't give a fuck!"

"I… I j… Aw, never mind," Cinder said.

"And that," Professor Port said at the end of his lecture, "Is how you get a bigger dick in three easy steps. If anyone has any questions, fuck off. I'm outta here." And with that, Professor Port fucked off.

"A bigger penis," said Flint Flossy. "That could come in useful. I shall do my best to obtain one, for Neon."

"For Neon," said the other surviving members of Team FNKI. They left the room.

Later on in the day, Ruby, Weiss, Yang, and Pyrhha gathered in the Bacon Adademy Food Court.

"So you're really gonna drink that glass of milk, right?" Yang asked. "Like, really really?"

"Yes, of course I am," said Weiss. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Yang.

"When I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do something," said Weiss. "And I am going to drink that glass of milk."

"I'm gonna hold you to it," said Yang.

"Good," said Weiss, taking a sip of her water.

Pyrrha cleared her throat. "Alright, so do we have any leads yet as to where Blake might be?"

"Nope," everyone said. Pyrrha sighed, looking down at the table.

"Ooh, I have an idea," said Ruby.

"Shoot," said Yang.

"What if we try jumping into a TV?"

"Jumping into a…" Weiss began, "Ruby, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"I saw it in a documentary! It was about some people that solved and prevented murders by jumping into a TV!"

"We're not gonna solve this by jumping into a television, Ruby! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Yang yelled.

"Fucking idiot," Weiss said under her breath. "Throw yourself into a fucking TV, cunt."

"Well shit, alright!" said Ruby. "So what ideas do you geniuses have?" The table simmered to silence. "Yeah, that's what I fucking thought."

"Hey, bitches," Cinder said, not in a completely unfriendly way, as she passed.

"Hey, Cinder," said Ruby. "Hey, what's that on your neck?"

"Oh, what?" said Cinder, putting a hand on her neck.

"Looked an awful lot like a hickey," Ruby said with a wink.

"No hickey here, ha ha ha," Cinder said, walking away. "Your friend will never see the light of day again!"

"That was definitely a hickey," said Weiss.

"No," said Pyrrha. "Close, but it wasn't a hickey."

"What was it, then?" asked Yang.

"It was definitely a mark left by suction, but it was the wrong shape to have been someone else's mouth. No, it almost looked like… a suction cup."

"A suction cup?" said Ruby. "Like on a squid?"

"Yes, exactly," said Pyrrha.

"Hey, you know that PSA about sex work that's been popping up on hentaidotcom?" Yang asked.

"Ew," said Weiss, blushing.

"Oh, you mean the one where the squidman fucks a clownman?" Ruby asked.

"Gross," Weiss said.

"Yeah," said Yang. "Apparently, the squidman lives right here in Bacontown."

"Alright," said Pyrrha, "So Cinder fucked a squidman. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Don't you remember what Mulan said after Seinfeld's show? She said she believed the source of the Walt Disney Company's ink had something to do with Blake's disappearance. Now think… where does ink come from?"

"Ooh, I know this one!" said Ruby. "It's squids!"

"Exactly," said Yang.

"So you think that Squidward Tentacle-Hentai might know something about this," said Pyrrha.

"I do," said Yang. "And even if he doesn't, even if that's a false lead, we can still get some of his ink, revive Jerry Seinfeld, and possibly learn the identity of The Niplord, if he and Nobody really are the same person."

"Ladies, I think we're onto something," said Pyrrha. "Let's pay this squid a visit tomorrow. Until then!" She got up and left, and Ruby, Yang, and Weiss returned to their dorm.

Ruby closed the door behind them, and Weiss approached the glass of milk that had been left to fester beneath the lamp. The room smelled of cheese, and I'm not talking a delicious slice of Cabot yellow cheddar, no sirree. I'm talking bad cheese. Like, bad bad bad bad cheese.

"You said you'd drink it," said Yang. "You PROMISED you would drink it."

"Why are you making such a big deal out of it?" Weiss asked. "It's just milk."

"Well then bottoms up, girlfriend!" Yang said, giving her a slap on the back that sent her a step closer to the stanky stank milk.

"What… what brand was it?" Ruby asked Yang quietly.

"Garlic."

"You… you mean Garelick, right?" Ruby asked. Yang only chuckled.

Weiss picked up the glass and started drinking. She finished the glass like a champion, then put it down and smiled at her friends in satisfaction.

"Well done," said Yang.

"It was nothing," said Weiss. She walked away.

Several hours later Weiss walked to the bathroom and spent fifteen minutes spraying liquid shit into the toilet. Five times she had to flush, otherwise it would have overflown. Yang sat outside the bathroom door, fantasizing about what it would be like to put her head between Weiss's leg's, right beneath her filthy buttocks, having that stinky brown liquid gold poured upon her face like a dirty waterfall downstream from a town that constantly shits into the river. To let Weiss's wellspring into her through her mouth and her nose, Yang could think of no greater pleasure. Once Weiss left the bathroom, Yang stepped right in. On that night, she had what she would later refer to as her "Proudest fap."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED


	9. CH 9: STEAMED CLAMS

**RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES**

Written by Christopher Rangel

**CHAPTER 9: STEAMED CLAMS**

* * *

Weiss looked through her reflection and out the window, tapping her feet. She'd been waiting almost fifteen minutes and her blind date still wasn't here. She looked back to the table, steepled her hands, and watched her coffee cool. Her waitress raised an eyebrow from the other side of the room. Weiss shook her head sadly, and the waitress carried on with her work.

There was a noise outside, so Weiss returned her attention to out there and watched as a flying motorcycle landed perfectly at the curbside. The rider wore a helmet, out of which emerged a glorious head of hair and a beard that screamed "I am a man who has a beard!" _Could this be my date?_ Weiss wondered to herself. Her heart skipped a beat as the man stepped off the motorcycle and removed his helmet. She couldn't get a clear view of his face yet, but now that he was standing it was clear that he was a very tall, large man.

The large hairy man stepped into the diner and spoke to the host at the entrance. Weiss kept her eyes on her coffee as she saw the host point right at her, and in her peripheral vision she saw the man walk towards her.

"Weiss Schnee?" came the voice in a, deep, gruff, West County accent.

"That's me," said Weiss Schnee, looking up with a coy smile.

"Well, 'at's a relief, that is," said the hairy man with kind eyes, taking his seat. "Worried I was at the wrong table, I was." He extended his hand with a warm smile. "Name's Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid."

"Nice to meet you, Hagrid," Weiss said, shaking his large yet gentle hand. Over his shoulder Weiss could see the waitress looking her way again, and she nodded.

"Good morning," said the orange haired waitress with a nametag that said "Orihime from Bleach." "Is there anything I can get you to drink, aside from the water and coffee?"

"Aye," said Hagrid. "Could do with a little breast milk, I could."

"Oh, of course," said Orihime. She unbuttoned her shirt and let a single massive anime walrus titty careen from her shirt.

"Oh, well thank ye kindly," said Hagrid, and he began to suckle upon said tit. Weiss watched as Hagrid drank the milk from Orihime's big ol' boob, which it dribble across his massive beard and onto his neck. Hagrid looked up into Orihime's eyes as he drank her milk, and he thanked her again once he had had his fill.

"Well then," Hagrid said, wiping leftover milk from his beard. "Tell me a little about yourself."

"Well, I'm a Huntress for starters," said Weiss.

"No shit!" said Hagrid.

"Ye," said Weiss. "And I'm also a part of one of the wealthiest families in the world."

"Oh, well I don't give a shit about that, I don't," said Hagrid. "But the part about bein' a Huntress, well, that's cool as shit, it is."

"Oh," said Weiss. She blushed. _He doesn't care about how rich my family is_.

"Now me," said Hagrid. "I've got some powers of me own, I do. Have ye heard of people called 'Stand Users'?"

"Of course," said Weiss. "People who fight with psychic ghosts called Stands."

"Aye," said Hagrid. "I'll let yoo know aye'm a bit of a Stand User meself!"

"Really?" said Weiss.

"Aye!" said Hagrid. "Behold!「A Kind of Magic」!" A black and white humanoid Stand in a large brown wizard hat emerged from behind his back.

"Holy shit!" said Weiss. "What does it do?"

"Well," said Hagrid, "If I maintain eye contact with someone, like this," he looked Weiss in the eyes, "And say, 'Yer a wizard', followed by the person's name, then they become a wizard."

"Really?"

"Really," said Hagrid. "For example, if yer name were, say, Harry, and I looked you in the eye and said 'Yer a wizard, Harry,' then from that point on you would be a wizard, you would. Er a witch, if ye will."

"That's amazing," said Weiss.

"I'm also pretty good in the sack," said Hagrid, "If that scores me any points." Hagrid waited for a response, but at that point Weiss wasn't paying attention. "Alright, so I guess that don't score me any points, ey?"

"What?" said Weiss. "Oh, sorry, there's something I need to take care of."

"Oh!" said Hagrid. "Er, I see."

"Oh," said Weiss. "No, it's nothing against you Hagrid. It's just…" she wrote on a piece of paper and handed it to Hagrid. "Here's my number. Call me up sometime. For now, this is a matter of life or death."

"Oh," said Hagrid. "You want me to tag along?"

"No," said Weiss. "Sorry. Talk to you later."

"Alright," said Hagrid, putting her number in his pocket. "I'll hold ye to that, I will."

"You'd better," Weiss said with a smile. She stood up (with a bit of difficulty, due to the LEGEND TIER SHIT she had the night before), gave Hagrid a final goodbye nod, and walked out the door.

"You're not getting away that easily," Weiss said, "Mr. Squidward."

Keeping a careful distance, she followed Squidward to the Easter Island head he called home, then found a safe place behind a rock to stake him out at. She sent a text to Ruby saying that she had eyes on the squidman, then watched as Squidward fumbled with the keys to his own house.

"There we go," said Squidward, putting the correct key into the keyhole. He turned it, opened the door, and stepped into his home. From her vantage point, Weiss staked out Squidward's house, watching as much as she could through his windows, texting updates Ruby's way.

"What is Cinder doing there?" Weiss asked herself. Cinder came and went, and Squidward continued preparing to do… something…

Squidward watched the clock. Everything was ready for the arrival of the crab, which was due to occur any moment now. Mr. Krabs should have come in from his flight a couple hours ago, and they had agreed to meet for lunch.

There was a ring on the doorbell. Squidward got up and opened the door.

"Well Squidward, I made it," said Mr. Krabs. "Despite your directions."

"Ah, Mr. Krabs, welcome," said Squidward. "I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon."

"Argh," said Mr. Krabs, taking his seat at Squidward's small dining room table. Squidward stepped into the kitchen, only to see the contents of the stove set ablaze and inedible.

"Gah!" Squidward gasped. "Oh, egads! My roast is ruined!" He walked over to the window and looked outside to the Krusty Krab beyond. "But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" he began to laugh. "Ho ho ho ho, delightfully devilish, Squidward." He opened the window and stuck one tentacle out to start climbing out of it when Mr. Krabs opened the door.

"Ahhh…" said Mr. Krabs. He furrowed his brow, then yelled "SQUIDWAAAARD!"

"Mr. Krabs!" Squidward said. "I was just, ah… stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?"

"Argh, why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Mr. Squidward?" asked Mr. Krabs.

"Um, oh!" said Squidward. "Oh, that isn't smoke. It's steam! Steam from the steamed hams we're having! Mmm, steamed hams!" Mr. Krabs stared at him with suspicion, then left the room. Squidward wiped the sweat from his brow with a huff, then hauled ass out the window and across the road to the Krusty Krab.

"Mr. Krabs, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering clamburgers!" Squidward said once he returned to the dining room. Mr. Krabs looked up as he was adjusting his napkin.

"I thought you said we were having steamed hams," said Mr. Krabs.

"D'oh, no, I said steamed clams! That's what I call clamburgres." Squidward said, putting the platter of burgers on the table and taking his seat.

"You call clamburgers steamed clams?" Mr. Krabs asked, skeptical.

"Yes, it's a regional dialect," said Squidward.

"Uh-huh," said Mr. Krabs. "Uh, what region, Mr. Squidward?"

"Uhhhhhhh, upstate New York?" said Squidward.

"Really?" said Mr. Krabs. "Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed clams."

"Oh, not in Utica, no," said Squidward. "It's an Albany expression."

"I see," said Mr. Krabs. Squidward took a sip of flirtatious water as Mr. Krabs sunk his crustaceous teeth into one of Squidward's burgers. "You know, these clamburgers are quite similar to the Krabby Patties we have at the Krusty Krab."

"Oh, no," Squidward said with his honking laugh. "Patented Tentacle-Hentai burgers. Old family recipe."

"For steamed clams."

"Yes," said Squidward.

"Yes," said Mr. Krabs. "And you call them steamed clams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled." Mr. Krabs showed Squidward the grill marks on his burger.

"Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second," said Squidward.

"Yes, of course," said Mr. Krabs. Squidward stepped back into his kitchen, now a raging inferno with smoke pouring out from the door. Mr. Krabs was eating his "steamed clam" as Squidward stepped back out, yawning and saying, "Oh well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."

Mr. Krabs removed the napkin from his collar and started to stand up. "Yes. I should be-" He stopped when he noticed the flame pouring out of the door as it closed. "Great Neptune! What is happening in there?"

"Aurora Borealis," Squidward said, somewhat unsure.

"Aurora Borealis…" Mr. Krabs said, indignant. "…at this time of year at this time of day in this part of the country localized entirely within your kitchen?"

"Yes," honked Squidward.

Mr. Krabs thought for a dumbfounded moment. "May I see it?"

"Yes," said Squidward. "Just close your eyes as we walk in. Don't want to ruin the surprise, after all."

"Of course, Mr. Squidward," said Mr. Krabs, closing his eyes. Squidward took Mr. Krabs's claw in his tentacle and walked with him into the burning kitchen. Very little could be seen through the smoke, but Squidward led Mr. Krabs up a mobile staircase that hadn't been there before.

"Mr. Squidward," said Mr. Krabs as they stepped up the steps, "I just wanted to let you know that your ad has made me a fuckton of money. I appreciate it so much,"

"I'm sure you do," said Squidward. "I just would have appreciated a little more of that money. Just like, a little more."

"Oh, well sure," said Mr. Krabs. "But I gave you all I could spare. I only JUST became a millionaire. If I had given you even another dollar, I would still have just been ALMOST a millionaire."

"I see," said Squidward. He sighed as they made it to the final step. "I just wish I could have afforded that toy for my poor blind cat."

"Oh, well, there's more money to be made Squidward, just you see!"

"Mm hm," said Squidward. His face was blank. "Open your eyes, Eugene."

Mr. Krabs opened his eyes. "Wh… what is the meaning of this, Mr. Squidward?" he said as he looked into the massive vat of boiling water. "This ain't no Aurora Borealis!"

"No, but this is where your greed leads," said Squidward.

"Mr. Squidward!" said Mr. Krabs. "You… you've set your house on fire just to boil me alive!?"

"It's the only way I could get a fire hot enough to boil a pot of water this size!"

"Mr. Squidward, get me down from here right this instant, or you're FIRED!"

"If you insist, Mr. Krabs," said Squidward, and he got him down from there with a shove right into the boiling waters bellow. Squidward watched Mr. Krabs's shelled body writhe and cook in the boiling water, slowly transforming into a photorealistic crab in true Spongebob Squarepants fashion. Squidward smiled calmly and spat into the pot, then went down the stairs, into the main room, and unlocked the door where he kept his poor, blind cat.

"Hey, kitty kitty," said Squidward. There was a grunt from the other side of the room. "We need to get out of here, okay? Just let me undo these chains…"

"Ladies and gentlemen," said a female voice from behind him. "We got him." Squidward slowly stood up and turned around.

"You've got... nothing," said Squidward. "I'm the one who's got you!"

"What?" said Ruby. She, Weiss, and Yang looked around, and, just a moment too late, saw the long, long tentacles that had been positioned around them.

"Shit!" said Weiss. "He knew we were coming!" Then the tentacles wrapped around the team's bodies, constricting them, and knocking them out with the chloroform filled napkins that each one held.

"I only wanted one of you," Squidward said. "Just one good, blind little cat. But now, it looks like I get the whole set that Nobody offered." He turned to his "cat." "Time to go, sweetie. Let's get out of here." He started walking towards the door, his cat behind him on a leash, and the three members of Team RWBY wrapped in his tentacles. He stopped as Weiss's phone started ringing. He regarded it for a second, then just kept walking, off towards the dark forest beyond.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
